It was at 8:34 am eastern when my train FINALLY rolled into Hoboken NJ. Running late because of a damn crow that flew into our electrical conduit and caused the train to stop. I remember thinking ---NOW I will be late for work, great. I knew taking the PATH train into the trade center would take too long, so I decided to take the Ferry instead. At 8:43 AM I was on my way into the financial district when the first plane hit. I never made it into the city that day, I watched the horrific events with my own eyes, from Hoboken. I thought the world was ending and I was going to die... but all because of a stupid crow... a crow that decided to fly into the electrical conduit of the train and stop it... my life was spared this day, 11 years ago.
My Dearest Children,
I write this letter to you as I reflect on the past 11 years of my life. Even through my sadness, and my rough journey since 9.11, I am eternally thankful for how my life has turned out since that day.
YOU, my dears are my life and my reason as to why I am here. We are all put on this earth for a purpose, and mine is to be here for you and to be blessed by you on a daily basis.
I know that every 9.11 I will cry, maybe even sob. I know that I may cry off and on for what appears to be no reason. The reason I cry my sunshines is because I can see it with my own eyes. When the news plays the video and pictures, or I see posts on Facebook, I can close my eyes and I am there. I can can smell the jet fuel, see the bodies fall out of the buildings, hear the sirens, and feel the sensation and the panic of knowing I was getting ready to die. So, my tears are of morning at times and sadness for what happened on that horrible day... Sadness of what could have been for me.
But today, as I sit here and I look at pictures, I am sad, I did cry a few times, but then through my tears I started to smile... and my sobs turned from being that of overwhelming sadness to overwhelming joy in a matter of minutes.
Today, I realized for the first time why I was spared. For so many years, I suffered from survivor guilt... why me? Why wasn't I there? But today my answer is clear as crystal. I was spared to be with you and to experience true joy internally and laughter from the gut. I was spared to enjoy our family and learn what it means to be a mom, to give of myself without limit, to be less selfish and more giving to others. YOU have taught me these things.
When I think about each of you, and having you in my life now... I am so thankful that things happened the way they did... If the train was on time, and I was on schedule, I would have been heading up the escalator at the trade center when the first plane hit... I wouldn't have you in my life... YOU are my reason to celebrate today and always. You, my lovely children, make my world a better place. My bucket runneth over.
I love you,
For those of you who are reading this, maybe use today as not just a time to reflect and morn what we have lost during 9.11, but take time to reflect on what we have. What our blessing are, the outcomes of living through one of the most tragic events our nation and world has ever faced. Count each blessing, for we don't know when our last day breathing on this earth will be. Make it count.