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Monday, December 31, 2012

Recipe time: Chocolate Covered Cherry Martini

So, I am not a huge drinker at all, but it is New Year's Eve after all so I thought it was time to post a drinky-drink on here!

I went to the grocery store last night, and found "Pinnacle" brand vodka on sale.  It is regularly $15.00 but it had a $5 off coupon, so I thought... why not try it.  I started looking and they had all kinds of crazy flavors... chocolate chip cookie dough, marshmallow, whipped cream (yum), whipped cherry, pumpkin pie... and the list goes on.  So, while standing there in awe, I decided to pick up the whipped cherry and thought that it would either A) make a nice gift or B) make a kick ass cherry Coke.

So, I continued to walk around the Hy-Vee (grocery store) and started thinking about what I could make with that bottle of vodka... And it came to me, a chocolate covered cherry. 

So I whipped out my phone and text my husband to see what we had at home to make this fantastic drink.

Chocolate syrup? CHECK
Whipped cream? NO (so I grabbed it)
Half and half or cream? NO (so I grabbed that)
Then I went to look for Maraschino cherries.  NOW, I would NEVER think a store would be out of them, but this store was (err, it was December 30th after all and 9 pm at night)... So I started to think... what could I use for cherry... and then it hit me... CHERRY PIE FILLING!

I left the store with one mission... to make the best damn-tastic martini with cherry pie filling... EVAH.


Ingredients:

Whipped cream
Chocolate syrup
Cherry Pie Filling (transferred into a bowl large enough to dip your glass in)
1 shot of Pinnacle Cherry Whipped vodka
2 shots of half and half
Finely crushed graham crackers (I used 2 whole graham crackers, or you can buy the box of crushed graham cracker at the store)
 
 
Directions:
 
1) take martini glass and dip it in the bowl of cherry pie filling enough to lightly cover the rim of the glass in the cherry goodness (sauce) 
2) Then immediately place the glass rim (covered in cherry ooey gooey yummo) into the finely crushed graham crackers. (I used a paper plate to make sure I could coat it all).
 



3) Decorate bottom of glass with chocolate sauce and sauce from the cherry pie filling (I even added a couple of cherries to one drink)
 
4) mix together 1 shot of cherry whipped vodka and cream in a shaker and shake it... SHAKE IT RREEEEAAALLLL GOOD!
5) Pour into glass, top with whipped cream, sprinkles of chocolate flakes, cherry sauce and chocolate sauce. ENJOY!
 

Friday, December 28, 2012

The Best Holiday Gift EVAH

So what is the best holiday gift you received this year? Snow? iPad? Food? Air Hog? Barbie dream house? Time together as a family? (YEAH RIGHT... hahhaaaa)

I mean, time together as a family is great, and when someone asks me about the best part of my holiday I always say, time with my family.  Which is great, but after about 1 day of the kids all being together it turns into bat shit crazy.  MOM, MOM... mommy... what are we doing today? Can we go somewhere? What can we do? Can we do this? Mom.... MOOOOOMMMMM????  Mom, he's touching me... Mom, why can't Maddy stop farting?

So, while the time together is precious and wonderful, and well... rather UNIQUE we all truly look forward to receiving a gift under the tree.  I don't care how non-materialistic you are, you like to have a present to unwrap.

This year, I received the best gift ever. And to some people, it may not mean anything and it may be super silly... but to me it is an amazing gift.  One that will keep on giving.  One that melted my heart and truly is the spirit of Christmas...

So, last winter I started a photo wall project.  It started with a blank wall, and then I purchased a wall saying from my friend, Jessica (Simply Said representative) and put it on my wall.  It says, "A smile lasts a moment... the memory lasts a lifetime." Well, for about six months it was just there... all by itself. My plan was to get different photo frames and put different candid moments from the kids, Phillip and I and put them up on the wall.  BUT I wanted vintage, funky frames. This would require me to shop Goodwill and Stuff, Etc (a local consignment store) and I just don't have that kind of time.  At month six, we received two large prints my friend Sarah Sample took of Kennith, Madelynn, and Alex.  My husband put them up on the wall.  And the wall still sits.... Like this...

My dream is to have these different photo frames with pictures surrounding the saying, but the photo frames have to be different shapes, sizes... That is my vision.  Create an art picture wall for our family room.  I take pictures all the time, I just don't have the "time" to find the frames.

So for Christmas, my husband and kids gave me the gift that will keep on giving. My husband went out and shopped for the frames for my wall.  Each one individually wrapped and waiting for me.  All I have to do, is put the pictures in them and hang them on the wall.





 Something so precious to me, for I don't have a lot of time between work and family to get to a Goodwill and hunt for funky frames, yet my husband knows it is my heart's desire to get this wall done... so he sacrificed his time and found them. Perfect, funky frames with my name written all over them.  He gets me.

Gift giving is not about the money spent... it is about the thought behind it.  This gift really melted my heart.  My husband knows me.  He knows my likes... and my dislikes... and he is so thoughtful.  He always is thoughtful.  He gave me the best gift ever... a true place to collect the hidden moments with my kids.  So, of course... after getting the frames, I ordered prints for the wall.  First one? Serina's senior picture that is the same size as Alex's and Kennith/Madelynn's.  Then all kinds of random pictures taken of our moments together.  Moments I treasure.... and now, moments I can see when I am having a tough day... all gathered in two different places.  The wall and my heart.

 Forever.


Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Is it a Grudge or a Way of Life?

Hi there!

I hope you had a fantastical holiday season. We certainly did here.  We had a pretty chill-lax Christmas and celebrated with a lovely dinner and cheesecake to honor Jesus' birth.  It was a joyous day.

However, part of me was not joyous. Part of me is down right saddened over an event that happened over two years ago between my husband and his mother.

As an adult, when do you say "Enough is enough" and move forward? 


When does it become acceptable to write someone out of your life, who is your family member, but all they end up doing is hurting you?
I mean, it is so much easier to cut down our friends, and rule them out of our lives, regardless... but when it comes to family, why does it become the unspeakable?

This is a very hard topic for me to write about, because I am a very forgiving person, and I have been taught to always find the good in people. But what if there isn't much good to love?

BACK STORY....

My husband and his sister grew up with their mother and father in rural Iowa.  When my hubs was in high school, his mom and dad went to counseling and while at counseling the mother accused the father of cheating on her with the counselor.  Long story short, she moved the kids and herself out of the farm house and into town and talked bad about her husband... causing a riff between the kids and their father.

When my husband was in his late 20s/early 30s he found out that his mother had been lying about the affair.  My husband spent years being cordial to his father and holding anger against his dad for actions his father didn't even take. And to be honest, now that we are in our 40s my husband and his father are very close and they have a bond that will never be broken. And as he accepted his father into his life and loved him with open arms, my husband still did not deny his mother... he was there for her. My father in law is a sweet sensitive man, who is still married to my mother in law, because my mother in law doesn't want a divorce... They fake it... She lives in a town an hour away from my father in law, and they go to family functions together because my mother in law doesn't want her mother to know they are separated.  YET, my mother in law has a boyfriend on the side.  What makes me sad? The love my father in law has for my mother in law after all these years.  She only loves him when she needs him.

My mother in law says things that are inappropriate at best a lot of the time.  On the way to our wedding (Phillip's and mine) she told me that her brothers hadn't approved of me yet.  I looked at her and offered to send my resume with salary history to them if she provided the addresses.  She then asked to see my ring and asked me if I got it at the local second hand store, a kind of slap in the face. But I moved on and still treated her with love.

A couple of years ago, in the summer my husband's sister called their mother a BITCH for something she did (the mother accused my sister in laws friend from church of being a drug dealer and made a scene and got kicked out of my sister in laws house)... and the mother in law was copied on the text.

NOW, Phillip and I were 5 hours away at that time, watching a musical at a theater and were not even involved in the situation. Maybe it is the codependent nature of the relationship between Phillip's mother and sister or what...but the mother chose to take it out on my husband instead of his sister.  She called him up and said he was disowned from her as a child and her family disowned him.  All over something that he wasn't even involved in.

STORY OF TODAY:

My mother in law is still friends with his ex-wife and honestly pays more attention to his ex-wife than she does her own flesh and blood.. her son.  She solidifies her love for her son by buying gifts for his ex-wife's baby (which she conceived while still married to my husband and it is another man's baby) for Christmas.  I know what you are thinking, you are thinking... MELISSA it is for the child, not the ex-wife, I agree.  But she was at the hospital when the ex-wife had the baby and all... and because she has crossed motives all the time it is hard to see what to interpret (for example, she bought my niece a toy and told her she couldn't take the gift home, she could only play with it at grandmas as a tactic to get my niece there when my sister in law and my mother in law weren't talking).

 

So, are these actions all the time a grudge she carries or is it just her way of life?


The people this hurts the most? My stepdaughters.  They go between the two and although we don't talk about Phillip's mother... my stepdaughters still do things with her, and it is hard on everyone.

All my husband wants? An apology for the first time in his life from his mother. He is always the one taking the higher road and forgiving her, and he has forgiven her now, but he won't forget.  This time, she went too far and he wants her apology... and has waited TWO years for it. Well, she did send him a plant last year in April, saying that spring is a time to start over... yet no apology. So is it acceptable for him to not communicate with her and wait? Or is life too short? I am so on the fence here. I forgive her actions, I love her despite them... I forgive her, but I don't have to forget... but what if the line was drawn too many times and scratched out? Too many do overs given...

So how do I convince my husband to approach her? OR do I not convince him. In my opinion, it is beyond a grudge on both sides and it is just now a way of life.  She has stopped all communication with us and clearly treats my biological kids and I as we are second class, which will never change.

I even texted her last week out of courtesy regarding my step-daughter's dentist appointment and well... she didn't even give me the common courtesy to respond and let me know she received my message. We really don't exist to her in her world.

THE FUTURE:

On Saturday the 29th there is a family event for my mother in laws side of the family.  I love Phillip's cousins and his grandma... I would love to go with the kids but my husband will not go because of his mother and how she has treated him his whole life. He wants to be surrounded by love and support and the one person in my opinion who should always provide that, HIS MOTHER, refuses to show any love or compassion to him.

So what do I do? I stand by my husband and stand by his right not to be hurt again by his mother.  I know this is hard for our kids to see, but at the end of the day, the relationship between my mother in law and my husband is very unhealthy.  Why subject anyone to that when we don't have to?

My dream would be that she will eventually come to terms with her actions and for once stand up and say "I am sorry for what I did." She was VERY manipulative, and husband wasn't... my husband is a gentle man with a giving heart, he gets that from his dad.  His mother is also STUBBORN... So is my husband. After all, he is her child... and even though the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, my husband had enough sense to know which apples were good, and which apples were rotten.


Photo from: http://www.flashcoo.com/photography/fruit_apple/images/fruit_apple_apple-tree_wallpaper_DU061.JPG


Monday, December 24, 2012

Recipe Time: Mr. Wenndt's Spicy Pretzels

One of our most favorite holiday traditions at our house are spicy pretzels made by the hubs.  Every year, when December rolls around... Phillip will mysteriously head to the kitchen and start pulling out "THE SPICES" for the pretzels.  The kids and I watch... thinking, "IS IT TIME? IS HE? NO... YES? I THINK HE IS GETTING THE STUFF OUT."

As he continues and we realize it is spicy pretzel making day, we all start singing and dancing in the kitchen because friends... the pretzels are THAT GOOD.

This year, Maddy and I were doing the "STIR THE POT" dance and singing "It's spicy pretzel time, Daddy gonna make his preeeeetttttzzzzzeeeellllsss."

 

Mr. Wenndt's Spicy Pretzels


Ingredients:

3 bags of pretzel sticks (we use the small sticks and the braided together)
2 packages of Hidden Valley Ranch dry mix
2 12 ounce bottles of Orville Redenbacher's popcorn oil
1 tablespoon of dill weed
1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon of black pepper
1 teaspoon of Konriko's jalapeño spice (if you want them a little spicier, add more of this to the mix)

Directions:

 Preheat oven to 200 degrees.  Mix oil, ranch, dill, cayenne pepper, black pepper, and jalapeño spice in a bowl. Mix Place pretzels into two large roasting pan. Bake 90 to 120 minutes, stirring every 15 minutes.

PERFECTION. 


Monday, December 10, 2012

Homosexuality and Religion- One Mom Speaks Out

Well, I am sure that got your attention.  Homosexuality and religion.  One mom speaks out.

What the hell will this Jesus freak speak about now? 

For those of you who "THINK" you know me, you may want to stop reading here. I would hate that your feelings get offended by mine (I hope you got the sarcastic undertone, for it was there... TRUST)--- or let me put it to you bluntly, YOU WILL BE OFFENDED.

But here is the thing, I will give you time to stop reading now or you can keep reading and then chose as to whether you continue or not. We are all born of free will.  Before I go into my mom-rant-tastic view, I will first start by saying---- I love you.  I love God, I love the fact that Jesus died for me, and I have a relationship with Him that is never failing. My love for Him and all that He is (He is rather magnificent, don't you think?) means that through Him... I LOVE YOU. If you are someone I call friend, I don't call you friend lightly. I call you friend because I love YOU and He gave me the ability to love again after my heart was stomped on by the "ideologies of some religious folks" and my ex-husband.

I love you for your past, present, and your future, I even love you if you have hurt me.  I love you not for the sins you commit but for the human you are and your compassion and drive to be better.  I love you because it is not my job to judge you...

My job on this Earth is to show compassion and love, even in the midst of anger.

So, today was my birthday.  It was an amazing time spent with my family (although Alex and I spent two hours at urgent care over a really blue and swollen toe --Alex, and acute sinusitis--- me)... I am so thankful of my friends who sent me well wishes and love for my birthday, it really is meaningful to me. 

I am also thankful for the sense of humor God gave me.  It may be snarky, it may be edgy and dark but it is my sense of humor to say the least.

Today I posted the following on my facebook page.  I post a LOT of stuff on my facebook page. A lot of things that are inappropriate, but man, if its funny, its funny. I cannot help it, judge me and persecute me for my bad sense of humor.

But today I shared something that got me thinking... why is religion so against people who are gay? To such an extent that someone would personally send me a message (not on my facebook wall) that stated, "I was confused by your post promoting homosexuality."

Do you not know me? I mean, you didn't even ask me how I am doing, or how my kids are.  You didn't even tell me happy birthday for cry eye, but you are confused by my post promoting homosexuality? My post didn't really do anything but make me think. 

You see the post in question... Or maybe it was this one...
(For I posted two, this one is just plain funny, who the hell wears Crocs anymore? Well, I would if my dog didn't eat mine, but that is a different story).


If you did know me, you would know that my cousin is gay.  He is in a committed relationship and one of the most loving relationships I have ever seen in my life.  Some of my closest friends are gay.  They were there for me when my life was upside down.  When my life was upside down, from the "church" I received a phone call from the pastor asking me not to volunteer my time in the nursery.  I was forsaken by my church.

forsaken past participle of for·sake (Verb)

Verb

  1. Abandon (someone or something): "a tiny, forsaken island".

  2. Renounce or give up (something valued or pleasant): "I won't forsake my vegetarian principles".




 So before you go and cast stones my way, check out your own glass house.  God is a good God, He loves, and  He teaches us to love in return. 

My sister's friend, Randy said the following, which truly speaks to me... "'Sodom & Gomorrah was destroyed NOT for sexual sin; but for lack of hospitality and care for social justice issues'. I use the scripture that this is referring to whenever I speak to christian groups about slavery. Not everyone likes it. It's ok to be a lying, gluttonous, cheating, murderer at heart as long as you're not gay."

Why have some people made it their life's mission to persecute people who are gay? Christians who love God as ardently as they do? Why must they practice and preach everything God told us not to? If you are offended by this, you will say that I am picking and choosing different versus to serve MY need... well, aren't you?

I am very saddened today to even have to bring this up, hurt a few people, but I realized I needed to clear the air a bit with my stance on religion and the "homosexuality".  The issues isn't with homosexuality. The issue isn't with religion.  The issue is with the person who uses religion to cause fear and angst in a community for their own well being.

I know when I die, where I am going.  I know I stand alone, not with a church, a pastor, or even my cousin.  I stand alone. It will be just God and I and I know that I did my mission on this Earth. My mission was to love as He did. 

If He were here- walking this earth now...would he forsake anyone?  Would He first ask you if you are straight or gay before He held you? Carried you? Healed your wounds? He would not forsake YOU. 

Love, peace and a forgiving heart....

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Welcome!

Hi!

My name is Melissa and I am a full time mom of  four, chef, worker for corporate America, art and craft maker, activity director, and wife.



Being a mom of a blended family is very hard. I have a biological son, a biological daughter, a step-daughter, and a step-step-daughter, and a step-step-son (who is grown and on his own). Now... does that even make crazy sense? Regardless, I am a mom, and with being a mom I feel as if my life is SO random! More random than it ever has been. I am a coffee-drinking-cookie-baking-homework-helping-dinner-cooking-job-working-dog-walking-craft-building-ADHD-kind of mom. It is like life is ...well life. (A total DUH moment, but instead of me saying it out loud... I just wrote it for the world to read. THIS is what I am talking about.)

So, I decided to be creative and blog about my crazy life. I know, you are thinking... way to go Mel! Do something unique and original. So as I take another sip of my sarcasm (along with a side of coffee), I will open up this blog by telling you I write about anything that I can think of because I am totally random. AND I love to cook and do crafty things. So, I am sure there will be recipes on here somewhere that I have tweaked, and random crafts here and there. Maybe my opinion on wine (which the answer is YES, SIR- MAY I HAVE SOME MORE).

A mom's world is colorful. Sometimes it is the random crayon writing on the wall that colors it... sometimes it is the eight year old boy in your life who wants to play hangman, so you drop what you are doing and his puzzle is, "I love you." Sometimes it is a 14 year old girl who comes to you for advice on boys or to cry over a boy. Sometimes it is your husband bringing you daisies on a random Tuesday. These are the beautiful colors of mom-dome. These are the moments that make all the crazy worth it.

So welcome, enjoy... I blog about the things we moms don't speak of.  Dinner failures, poop, inadequacies, more poop issues, and most importantly... how to find inner peace (AH WHO THE HECK AM I KIDDING).



Be Blessed!

Be a Memory Creator This Holiday Season!


December is upon us and it is the time of giving, receiving, baking and laughter.  This holiday season, my heart is lifted and I really want to focus on the giving aspect of the holiday time. 

I honestly am at a loss as to what to get my husband for the holidays, but I know I will find the perfect gift between now and then (I still have ALMOST 20 days to shop, right? LOL)… I have holiday gifts for my kids, parents, and the rest of my family.

This season, our family has been focusing on random acts of kindness… whether it is helping the next door neighbor carry in her groceries (she recently had hip replacement surgery), paying for the candles for the woman in line before us at the store, or saying hello to people while shopping.  I think sometimes during the holidays, we almost forget to go forth with a thankful heart and gratitude.  People get cranky with the people in the stores who are helping them, and we basically get rude instead of jolly. SO I SAY GO FORTH WITH JOLLY THIS SEASON! Shed some joy on those around you, because maybe their place is a bit darker than yours.

So, this mom of four is on a mission this year---a mission to make a difference. 

 
It may be a small difference, but I am going to try and make the holiday time very special for some people in our lives that we just don’t thank enough… our kid’s teachers. Some schools in our local community actually have teacher wish lists, our school however does not!

Now, usually we give a card with a gift card in it, but really does it reflect us? Does it reflect our children’s teacher? Or is it just a convenience we use so we can give a gift without the thought.  Honestly, I don’t know my kid’s teachers well enough to know where they would like to eat or if they even like coffee.  AND here is the thing, my kids spend more time during the work week with their teachers versus me.  Reality set in… my kids are wonderful, maybe I need to remind their teachers of how awesome they are and thank them… TRULY thank them for what they do… and put a little thought into the holiday for each teacher that touches the lives of my precious children. 

It has been a very fun project for my nine year old son and I--- every day, I ask him to find out something about his teacher and report back to me, so we can make a list of things she likes.  For example, last Monday I asked him… “Find out if Mrs. P wears jewelry.” He came back and said, “Mom, she has fancy pretty jewelry on every day.”  I was able to find a PERFECT bracelet for Mrs. P. on Facebook. Yeah, right? Whowouddathunkit. Not only can you stalk your ex, your spouses ex, your baby daddy, the drunk you went to school with, keep up with your friends... BUT you can shop.  I love logging in on Wednesday nights (7:30 pm central/ 8:30 pm eastern) to find gifts on one of my favorite boutiques (since I cannot physically go to the shop itself).  Jenny Boston is a fantastic place to find affordable, unique gifts. I honestly have found 4 different holiday gifts this season just from playing on Facebook.  Check them out at https://www.facebook.com/events/119674798181809/permalink/146717125477576/?ref=notif&notif_t=like#!/photo.php?fbid=10152129945450582&set=a.10150264131765582.537293.213971580581&type=1&theater

Great, note one in my teacher log. NOT THAT I AM STALKING HER FROM A FAR, but I am trying to get a sense of Kennith’s teacher through his eyes.  The next day I asked him, “Does your teacher like candy? Find out what her favorite candy is.”  He came home and reported, “MOM… She LOVES, I mean LOVES Snickers.”  SO, another item went onto our Mrs. P gift list.  If I forget a day, he reminds me.  He is getting to know his teacher and we are getting ideas for her gift basket.

I have also been purposely picking up our 3 year old from day care (she goes to daycare at the same school where my husband teaches) just so I can talk with all of the teachers and get a sense of who they are and what they like.  For example, Miss Melissa loves Scentsy and I know she likes warm cinnamon scents and needs a new pot… WELL, I know exactly what she will get for her holiday gift! I logged into the Macaroni Kid Cedar Rapids Holiday Gift Guide,  (http://cedarrapids.macaronikid.com/#holiday-gift-guide-2012-13) and wah-lah… there was someone who represents Scentsy. So not only am I giving a gift that her teacher will love but I am shopping locally and giving back to my community!  PROJECT GIVE BACK is fully underway!

I have also noticed when I am at daycare that the director always has a cool scarf on! So, I went on a hunt to find a small business that has scarves out there.  I shopped on Facebook on a random Wednesday night at Jenny Boston (AGAIN, THANK YOU JB) and found a designer scarf PERFECT for the director!  Shipped to my door for less than $20.  Another gift that is perfect for the recipient, AND money going to a small business!

My message: Sometimes we just need to take notice of those around us. The important people in our lives are not only our spouses, children, parents , immediate family members, and friends… but they are also the people who touch our lives in ways we could never imagine.  Teachers.  They do so much for our children and really just ask that our kids succeed in return.  I have seen it when my husband sees a student who is grown up and in college and his eyes twinkle.  They do their job so our kids can have more.

This holiday season, give joy.  Make it count!!! BE JOLLY!


 

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Recipe Time: Pork Tenderloin with Apple & Brown Sugar Rub

It is about time I whip out the slow cooker and get to creating! Last night I had a dream. The dream was to create a sweet and savory pork tenderloin in my crock pot.  So I set to work...

 Pork Tenderloin with Apple & Brown Sugar Rub


Ingredients:

2 lbs pork tenderloin (sliced)
1 cup brown sugar
1 tablespoon white vinegar
1 tablespoon mustard (I used Dijon)
Salt, pepper, and garlic powder to taste
2 apples cored and sliced

Directions:


1) Combine brown sugar, vinegar, and mustard in a bowl until mixed---set to the side
2) Place a layer of apple slices on the bottom of slow cooker
3) cover apples with a layer of sliced pork tenderloin, season with salt, pepper, and garlic
4) rub brown sugar mix to the top of each tenderloin piece
5) repeat steps 2 through 4 until all pork is used, top off with remaining apple slices and brown sugar mix
6) cook in slow cooker for 8 hours


Not only does it SMELL delicious... but the flavor is amazing!  Enjoy!



EDIT: So, after thinking more on the tenderloin, the next time I will NOT cut the tenderloin, I will cook it whole and slice the center and stuff the apples inside and rub the brown sugar blend on the outside.  Then before serving, I will let it rest with the brown sugar "juice" to soak it up. NOW, that is some pork.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Feeling Inadequate

Honestly.  I feel inadequate. According to Webster's Dictionary online... I feel insufficient...deficient, lacking...

I feel like I am not enough.


Maybe it is just today, maybe it has been the past month... but I FEEL inadequate.


You may know me and say, Melissa... get out of here, you are a great mom and you have an awesome career... Yes.  These things are true. But I feel lacking. I feel like I am not enough for the people in my life. Normally I don't feel this way, it is just a wave of insufficiency. LOL That is what I am going to call it.

"Hey, Melissa... how are you doing?"
"Ah, I am OK. Just going through a wave of insufficiency but it will be better."

HAHAHA, OK. That is my sick sense of humor.

It is partly how I just feel internally if I cannot do more, give more, be more.

I am quite sad, actually.


And I am not asking for a pity party or for anyone to feel sorry for me, I am just putting it out there because I KNOW I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO GOES THOUGH THIS WAVE OF INSUFFICIENCY.

How many of you have ever let this feeling of being "not enough" for those around you, take a hold of you and just eat at you from the core of your being. It is hard to focus on the positive and grab a "happy take away" from any situation.

I mean, this week at work I had a LOT of successes.   But, I also had one failure. And really it isn't so bad considering the circumstances, however the other party involved kept on trying to blame everyone and everything else for why they didn't succeed and I took on that sadness. I let myself get caught up in the bad aspects of her failure and I couldn't see past it.  I love my job a lot.  I love seeing my student's achieve success.  Sometimes it is not in the cards for everyone and in this case, I felt badgered over a failure and I had no control over the failure.  BUT, who was badgering me more? My student or myself?  I have come to the conclusion that if I wouldn't have been at such a low point emotionally I wouldn't have been bothered by it, but I was truly bothered. I did it to myself.

And then there are my kids.  I feel with one of them in particular, because I am her step-mom I will never be enough.  Anything I do, or even make for dinner is never good enough. I am not good enough.  I have to really just realize that and not base my happiness on that. This weekend has been very hard for me (blame it on the full moon) but the kids have taken an emotional toll on me, I have been crying in the shower.  They aren't listening (the little ones) and the older ones just treat me as if I don't matter. 

Then there is my husband.  I love him dearly and I just want affection from him and a conversation about ANYTHING. I have been taking check at how many times people ask me how I am doing lately, and REALLY care about the answer to the question... and to be honest... it is not a lot. I am stuck in a house all day working BY MYSELF and I hardly ever get out of the house during the week, unless I am carting a child to an activity or getting out to the gym (which hasn't been a lot... maybe that is why I feel inadequate)...  I need social interaction (and believe me, it is not cub scouts, no offense to those who offered me the position of DEN LEADER last night, but no).  I want more social interaction with MY HUSBAND.  BUT I have NOTHING to talk about.  I work. I raise kids. I cook. I clean. I volunteer.

I sound so sad. And it may be a bit exaggerated but when you are clearly in this "wave" you get really down.  And it is hard to pull yourself out... and let's face it.  WHY ARE YOU WAITING FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT FOR YOU? SNAP THE HELL OUT OF IT AND GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

Ok, that was more for me than you but if the message fits...

How will I fix it...

First, I will go to the gym every day.  I feel better when I exercise.

Second, I will just start to make dinners at night and not take it too personally when someone or someones don't eat it.

Third, I will try to laugh more, and try to get out of the house during the work day, even if it is to go outside my house.  WAIT, I will schedule in my workout at my gym then.  THAT's an IDEA!

Fourth, I will try and get enough sleep.  I have been staying up til past midnight and getting up at six thirty every day. Maybe I need more sleep.

I need to try and be in the moment more with those I love.  Maybe the reason why I feel inadequate and why they are not talking to me is because I am not being an active listener.

I need to sing more.  I don't sing a lot anymore and for those of you who really know me, know my love for singing.  Even if in my car, I shall sing.  At the top of my lungs.

I want respect from my kids.  Maybe I should show them respect and then they will give it in return.


THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER THINGS I CAN LIST BUT THIS IS A GREAT STARTING POINT.

So, heart on sleeve. Who else is in this boat with me? Are any of you feeling a bit inadequate lately? Thinking you should be more?  Wondering WHY no one listens to you or respects you? Wondering why you keep having this "wave of insufficiency- party of one"?

Here is the reality.  YOU are enough. Don't sit there and think that you aren't valuable.  You are. You have to believe it first and then others will see it in you. Maybe I (err, WE) should change our perspective and start seeing ourselves as having the value others see in us.

I know I can get there...I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel...
 
    Photo taken from: http://www.bbc.co.uk/birmingham/content/image_galleries/tunnel_vision_fierce_gallery.shtml?10