Am I *BLEEP* Enough

Happy day post Thanksgiving!

I am not sure if any of you are Black Friday shoppers, I am definitely not.  I am not born to bet up at the butt crack o' dawn to go outside and stand in line in the cold and wait for a ticket to wait for a thingy for a discount. I would much rather sleep in and wake up slowly, drink some coffee, contemplate the day ahead of me and go for an adventure or two with the kids.

Today we went to NewBo market for an early lunch (and well, to pick up pasta and sauce for Turkey Tetrazzini for dinner), and then out to the winery for a sip and shop event with local vendors (UM, they had a bra lady. She sells bras. they are amazing bras. I bought a bra or like 2 of them and WOW) and it was fun to see some friends and meet some new folks. Anyway, look at the amazing before and after shots of new bra purchase? I know, every mid-40s woman without a boob job is like I GOTS TO GET ME ONE OF THOSE! :) LOL

But what has been on my mind for a few days is that I know I am a good mom and a great friend... but sometimes I truly wonder if I am enough.

I mean, I have had MANY failed relationships, I struggle to make ends meet from time to time, and I have days where I am like WTHeck????

I recently went on a trip and I spent a bit of time by myself thinking... am I enough? I mean... really?

I work hard, I think I am a great person to be around, and I will do whatever you want to do for fun, but if there is something I want to do, can you just sacrifice 30 minutes to walk with me or enjoy "my stuff?" and then if you can't I start thinking... what is wrong with me. Why am I NEVER enough....

How many times do you sit there and have that same thought? So you slowly bow out of a situation because in your own mind you are not enough.

You sit there and have these thoughts....

Am I enough?
Am I smart enough?
Am I funny enough?
Am I strong enough?
Am I crazy enough?
Am I worth enough?
Am I compassionate enough?
Am I understanding enough?
Am I successful enough?
Am I God fearing enough?
Am I talented enough?
Am I enough?

And the list goes on and on and on and on and on and on.....

STOP right there.

Why do we do that? We are created the way we are and regardless of what others thing, we are enough.  And it shouldn't take someone else to make us feel that we need to be enough, we should already know it.  We should matter to those around us and we shouldn't have to always question if we are enough....

So instead, I say... change the way you think, the way you AM I *BLEEP* ENOUGHing it.

Write it in window marker on your bathroom mirror, write it out on sticky notes and put them all over the house.  Change your view of yourself because you are more than enough.

So when those thoughts come into play, SWITCH TWO words!

I am enough.

I am smart enough.
I am funny enough.
I am strong enough.
I am crazy enough.
I am worth enough.
I am compassionate enough.
I am understanding enough.
I am successful enough.
I am God fearing enough.
I am talented enough.

I AM ENOUGH.

YOU are enough. 

Your life is not a question... It is a mother *BLEEPING* statement.

Own it.  Shake it. Work it.  Let it simmer in your soul.....

Let it GOOOOO!

You totally thought I was going to start "type-singing" the theme song from Frozen right? HAHA, nope.

I am totally NOT going to do that yet... I mean, Idina Menzel is muh favorite Broadway star and when she belts it out, I want to just dance around in my party dress and sprinkle snow everywhere and just let it go, man.....

What am I talking about? 

Fully surrendering that THING... that thing that you know you have to just give it up and surrender.

LET GO and LET GOD, right?

I so have a hard time with this. I mean, I walk in faith... and I love and trust God, but I have a HARD time letting stuff go, I want to have control over certain things.  How am I supposed to just surrender it and walk away and wait.... and wait .....and then do I build my ice house in the mountains and just stay there creating storms and snow and ice  and freeze things with the wave of my hand? Or do I just rest in peace and wait? The waiting is the hard part for me. I like to think I am patient, but when it comes to the HARD stuff I have to surrender I have a hard time FULLY letting it go.

HAHA, this reminds me of when our pastor was talking about this in church and Peter (the worship leader) was playing "ALL OF ME" by John Legend... and the song really says, "Cuz I'll give you all, all of me... and you give me all, all of you"..... And we feel all emotional and oooey gooey and sapppy....

 Imagine if the song lyrics were... "Cuz I'll give you pa--arrr---arrrt of me... and you give me all, all of you."  

(credit to Peter, our Worship Team Leader for the above amazing song redux)

The person you are singing the song to (or maybe you called into the radio station and requested a love song go out to your loved one, LOL).... would be like WHAAATTTT THE BLEEEP BLEEEEEEEPPPPPP????!!!!??!

Why do we have such a hard time just letting IT go.  That wall.  The wall that surrounds us and protects us from ever getting hurt by someone or something or from every letting anyone in.  When we chose not to let the wall down, we are saying NO to something that could potentially be amazing. WHY DO THAT?

In every successful relationship we need to surrender...there has to be some give and take.

The first relationship I have to learn to FULLY surrender to is my relationship with my # 1 man in my life, God. Man, it is hard.  Have you ever sat there in prayer at your desk and in prayer fully give your career up to HIM?  Or maybe you are struggling with bills.  When did you lay that down before him? I mean REALLY?  Sit in prayer holding your bills and your checkbook, debit card, whatever physically represents your finances to you and PHYSICALLY give it to him while you are in your quiet time?

See, we spend so much time complaining about what is bad in our lives our how we work to pay bills, or I am horrible at dating and when men get to close I SHUT THEM OUT, but seriously.... HAVE YOU GIVEN UP THE CONTROL TO MAKE IT COME TO FRUITION?

Why do we have such a hard time giving HIM our all?  Giving up control? and being patient waiting for His resolve??? WHY??? 

Here it is kids.....

If I have to give it up, I am admitting I am not perfect and I cannot do everything and I love being in control. THAT'S WHY!

Shoot, I am comfortable with calling myself out here. HELLO. :) And I KNOW I am not perfect I am FAR FROM IT....

So, I am on a new journey of finding self  I have surrendered my future to HIM and guess what? I was accepted into a master's program and will start taking classes in January on my way to getting a doctorate in Christian Counseling and Theology.  First step is my master's degree.  God has made each step perfectly aligned in this crazy venture. AND if he can make this happen, what would happen if I surrender my finances, my relationships, my kids... 

See, we tend to forget that God is our father, our Daddy as Ms. Vickie says.... and he loves us more than what we could even imagine.  I look at my son and I think, MAN I would do anything for him to protect him... God's love for that little boy is 1 million times that. I cannot even imagine. 

So why not surrender? If you haven't tried and you are floundering take a few minutes to talk to YOUR DADDY in heaven... sit in his lap, hold his right hand and......

Things I Want to Do Before I Die -- {my inappropriate bucket list}

Sometimes, I sit here and make lists. Its how my mild OCD tendencies are carried out in my life. I am a list maker. I like checking stuff off. Nothing cooler than going to bed with a list full of crossed off line... YEAH BABY....

Before I die, there are a few goofy and inappropriate things I want to experience... some are absolutely insane. I don't know if I will ever get this list done, but I have decided to have my list of 43 and my goal is to get all 43 things done before my 44th birthday.

43 Things I Want to Do Before I Turn 44:

1) Write 43 blog entries.

2) Wear a mustache with my kids at the Farmer's Market or NewBo market and walk up to 10 random folks and say, "I MUSTACHE YOU A QUESTION..."  in an accent....

3) Visit one of the four states I have never been to (like Utah, let's go skiing)

4) Take at least 4 weekend road trips with my kids to experience new things

5) Make Beef Wellington for giggles

6) Eat breakfast 4 out of 7 days a week EVERY week (I never eat breakfast)

7) Start on a master's degree

8) Drink 8 glasses of WATER / WATER daily. And not WINE. It is not water *SNORT*

9) Don't tell my son... learn what this MINECRAFT CRAP is all about and maybe play it with my kids.

10) Eat at a KFC in Kentucky.... LOL

11) Make every Sunday afternoon/evening a video game/ cell phone free night and actually get creative with my kids

12) Eat at the dinner table 5 out of 7 dinners.  Have a basket for all phones, no phones at the table (ERR, I am talking to me and my crazy desire to take photos of my damn food)

13) Teach myself how to play the piano

14) Read the entire Bible from front to back

15) Get rid of stuff we don't use... every month clean it out.

16) Participate in no spend September

17) Participate in BOOB SMASHING OCTOBER

18) Participate in NO SHAVE NOVEMBER (EWWWWWW)

19) Spend a day at a spa and just relax, even if they tell me to get naked. *SNORT*

20) Compliment a different person every day

21) Say NO when I want to SAY NO....and be ok with it

22) Exercise daily

23) Run a 1/2 marathon

24) Go Christmas caroling with friends in the neighborhood just because we can carol and stuff

25) Volunteer at my kids' school

26) Read at least 4 books for pleasure


27)  Turn on EVERY Scentsy pot I own with a different and dramatic scent in each year

28) Drive an expensive sports car

29) Go to a nude beach (UMM MOM, I didn't say I would go nude, I just want to go..)

30) Learn how to ballroom dance


31)  Complete a craft I start

32) Go catch snowflakes on my tongue with my kids just for fun

33) Listen more to others to really listen to them and not be formulating my response.

34) Hold BACONFEST 2015

35) Stop saying IM SORRY all the time when stuff happens and I am not responsible for it OR wait.... I am really NOT SORRY.

36) Make my bed every day for one whole week.... (THIS is gonna be a challenge)

37) SLEEP MORE

38)  Say yes to helping out events or other stuff that will not just take from my emotional bucket but will pour back in.

39) Make my own fun YouTube music video

40)  Raise $1,000 for relay for life in 2015 on my own

41) Always tell my children I love them before they go to school and before they go to bed

42) Dress up as a random super hero and go shopping.

43) Make my own wine


My bucket list is ready to welcome year 43 on this earth.  I wonder how much of this I will get done? I bet there is an APP for this... NOW THAT is what I am talking about.... OCD in check and bucket list ready.... bring on the new year!



Always the HARD Way... Lessons Learned

As November  comes to a close, we all start getting misty and overemotional about the things we are thankful for.... yet, we often neglect those who have impacted our path... be thankful for them... regardless of the outcome --> they lead us to the future us --> who is the us today and let's face it... the us today is more wicked awesome than the us a few years ago, right???? Without them (the haters, naysayers, questioners of our own abilities....) we wouldn't be who we are today, right?

 

CAN I GET AN AMEN???  AMAZING RIGHT?

Over the past few days, I have been BOUNCED into reality and I realize that those who are meant to be in my life will stick... I can weather any storm... Even when told by my mother that an ex of mine is dating someone of the SAME SEX --> which drew a TON of emotions... LIKE FROM GIGGLY TO WHAT THE HECK.... (so even though I have may friends and loved ones in same sex relationships, it is NEW to me to be on the "I was dating and/or married to someone who ended up in a same sex relationship Maury Povich kind of smack in the face reality).  Yeah, lots of questions, especially since I already wondered...and wondered, and wondered... THEN WAS LIKE EWWWW, was he having the S.E.X. with another person while we were together? And then I have to just let it go... I can't change the past and I have had an STD test done the last time I was at my OB for my VA-JAY-JAY exam and I have the ALL CLEAR, so who cares? I would have had the exam REGARDLESS, so its like a BONUS it was really needed...KWIM??? (OH THAT WAS BAD, BUT SNORT-TASTIC) I didn't cheat or think about it... anyway after my last OB appointment I verified the following ---- my hooo-haaa is OKEYY DOKEY and ready for POKEY... Just kidding... It is not ready for that, it just rhymed and was funny, GIVE ME A BREAK, I am trying to lighten the "I was with a man who is now with a man and we did the nasty because it was BIBLICALLY acceptable, if you know what I mean". But that is really about me and how I felt almost betrayed... I mean, why hide your truest self from others and let other's believe it (especially if they care for the core of you?).

Long story short: My kids and I deserve a family unit, I truly long to be Mrs. Cleaver. You know... from Leave it to Beaver? But a more 2014 version... And someday, it will come... I know it will. But with a twist. Like both parents work and respect each other and my husband will love my kiddos as if his own. He can appreciate me for my quirks and the fact that some times I have to work late and vice versa and we just "GET" each other.... Not much more than that... just someone who wants to be an US and not just a dating couple.

I am not ready to settle for less. What is so hard is to listen to my kids talk about what they view as family and how their little lives will be satisfied by having this "family unit".  I have to remember this walk I am taking is not selfish...It is NOT about me cuz let's face it.... lately  I am satisfied with a dinner at taco bell and a rental movie of my choice, LOL. Oh golly, by far it is NOT selfish... 

 

IT IS NOT ABOUT ME.

 

It is about HIM first, my kids second...

For paths directed by Him will lead to kids being fulfilled, and my life being fulfilled. I walk with HIM, in HIM, through HIM... every millisecond of every day. Things happen for a reason. People move forward. Sometimes you pray the people stick... and sometimes they do, sometimes they don't... they CHOOSE not to weather the storm with you.... and it is all good, because we are uniquely designed to do great works...  We have to remember this life we lead has a fully designed purpose, a reason... we are on a mission of sorts. 

And during that journey, we will offend some... we will lose some... but  at the end of the day, as long as I have my kiddos and my GOD, I will always be HAPPY and FULFILLED.  PERIOD. END OF STORY. FINITO.

Life is about making moments that stick forever in the corners of your mind... the ones that come back to make you smile or draw a thought near to your heart.  Life is about playing with mustaches after a seriously hard play therapy with your 5 year old.  Life is about changing EVERY ROOM in your home to make sure that 5 year old feels safe and happy....even though the clutter is driving you insane, and you WANT help, but you are TOO STUBBORN TO ASK for it....

 Life is about breathing in those moments... the silly, sappy, crazy moments that most people push to the way side. Life is about sitting in the conference for your 11 year old and hear his teacher describe him as emotionally deep and profound for his age... that he is an OLD SOUL.... and you smile and nod in agreement...

Life is about making mistakes and SUCKING IT UP when you do... admitting your fault with GRACE and dignity. Don't hide that sh*BLEEP*t. Seriously... too many people place blame, and if you MESSED UP own it, because I respect those who MESS UP and go, "WHOOPS I MESSED UP" versus those who NEVER take admit they made a mistake. Taking ownership of WHATEVER is better than leaving it. KWIM? What if David said? That lion? What lion? I didn't kill a lion? We would all be like, WHO IS THE FOOL IN THERE? :)

Life is about apple picking with your son when he is 4... and when he is 11 he remembers THAT day as one of his bestest days ever.

Life is about making every day count as your last.

I mustache you a question... what will you do today to make an imprint in this world? What will YOU do to change someone's perspective... what will you CHOOSE to do that will impact someone forever...

It is really your choice on how you chose to live... I live in freedom through my Lord who saved me... I live in HOPE and everlasting LOVE.  I live KNOWING that my tomorrow will be better than my today or ANY yesterdays... why? because I live and love without putting limits on anything.

OK. I should head to bed. Tomorrow is a school day and I am making my sissy's (Megan's) homemade donuts in BUTTAH... I must rest before I fry. *SNORT*

 And yes. In the picture below I decided to have a mono-brow for 5 minutes. Let's not hate on the upper facial stache. ;)

Meet the Tews

Shedding Toxic

Well, HEEELLLLLOOOOOO again.

Gosh, it has been forever since I have actually blogged, blogged, if you know what I mean.

The last time I spent time bloggin' the REAL stuff was such a long time ago... (err, MAY... MAY was the last time).... I CAN NEVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN.

Actually, I have been doing a lot of shedding of the excess.  The toxic so to speak.  I realized that with my strong desire to help others, and my compassion, I was inviting toxicity into my life without even knowing it... to the point of depression and sickness. 

See... toxic relationships will destroy you.  No lie, and they will subtly take away any self-esteem you have and can even make you physically ill because you are so over burdened with crazy up and down emotions you cannot handle the roller coaster.

TOXIC by definition is POISON. 

Have you ever been in a relationship that is toxic? It may have not started out that way, but it may be that way now.  How do you handle it? Can you shed the toxic? Do you even want to? I mean seriously.  If you don't want to shed it, don't... but know that the feeling you are going through will NOT go away until you let the toxic go.  WHY do I know that? I held onto toxic for a very long time, because I thought that the way I was treated meant I was actually cared for and loved.

There it is kids, the sad truth.  I held onto toxic relationships because hey... I carried a ton of baggage from my yout (said like Danny DeVito in "My Cousin Vinny"... I wonder if that is on Netflix. Lemme check....nope.  Darn it --> OH HOLY squirrel moment)... As I was saying, I carried so much baggage from my childhood.  I really only felt I carried ANY value when I was helping someone or doing something for someone that THEY wanted. I learned from a very young age that if someone needed me, they must love me.  If I could help with something or be there or do something or give of MY time... they cared about me for who I was, and not what I provided.

I pimped my emotional self out, kinda like a crack howwwa without the crack or the howwwa part, but the desperate, I have a safety pin holding up my pleather emotional boots and I won't kiss on the lips, Julia Roberts kind of way in "Pretty Woman" (is that even on Netflix? NO!  But Dirty Dancing is on Netflix... NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER.... Sorry, ADHD is truly kickin' in). 

I didn't understand that when they needed me for something it wasn't really love, it was being used... especially if friendship reciprocity never existed.  How many times in my life do I have to ask for some help or invite someone over and be let down before I get it? How many times do I have to help someone and then when I ask for ONE LITTLE THING in return get the door slammed in my preverbal face time and time again. 

I never thought I deserved better.

Who feels exactly what I just wrote. You don't feel like YOU deserve to have friendship reciprocity and you are OK with helping others and always being the reliable go-to person without having anything given in return?

AND if you don't help someone, the toxic invades.  A toxic relationship is a never ending roller coaster that is NOT fun but keeps you jumping and guessing and you get your hopes up and are continually let down, but then it becomes YOUR fault. You are always off balance, there are curves, and you all of a sudden have random bouts of anxiety? And you feel bad to let the toxic person down, yet you are the one suffering. BUT... if they are ok and they are happy... that is enough.

Guess what.  YOU deserve better. You deserve friendship equality.... friendship reciprocity.  When you say YES all the time to toxic, you are saying NO to the REAL friendships that could develop and you are saying NO to yourself and your own worth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... easier said than done.  BUT, I have done it. I did take the time to shed toxic.

Everyone is different and here is how I did it.  I am much happier today than I was a month ago. I love myself more... I hug my kids more, and I have decided to blog again, because I have value in me.  I am worth sharing my story and possibly helping someone else along the way.

Shedding toxic is not easy.  Sometimes you may think you need to change some friendships, and you him and haw about it... but then it takes an AH-HA moment.  My AH-HA moment came in the package of a very sweet blonde haired friend who is so nice and calm and we talk about everything but SHE LIT INTO ME.  SHE CALLED ME OUT (how dare she, right? LOL).  And I listened. And I agreed, I mean... I was already thinking it.  She held me accountable for me... and for feeding the toxic relationships and dropping EVERYTHING to make sure the other's needs were met. And as she and I were shopping for a pair of steel toed boots that the friend NEEDED (didn't ask me for them, more demanded them, and even though I said I didn't have a lot of money didn't really give me the chance to say no, so I was going to buy them anyway and I was crying... because I couldn't say no)... at that moment, I knew that I needed to end this type of relationship in my life.

Some toxic relationships are worth salvaging, some are not.

Truth.

 

Relationships worth salvaging... how do you approach them?

1) Talk to them.... have a REAL conversation.  Tell them how you feel, make sure to use I words and have examples of events to back up your REAL talk.

2) YOU set the tone for the relationship moving forward.  Let them know what expectations you have, set boundaries. When the other person is teeter-tottering on entering back into toxic, bring them back in. SPEAK UP!

Toxic Relationships you have to just say good-bye to:

1) Talk to them... Have a real conversation. Tell them how you feel, make sure to use I words and have examples of why you feel the way you do so you are not just talking you can have a very real conversation with you.

2) Tell them that you cannot do "this" kind of friendship. It hurts, and let them know how you feel.
3) Walk away... love them from a distance. Remember... wait and see if they realize what they have done and if they want to work on a friendship again, then decide whether it is worth it and if so, set a tone for the relationship to move forward.

Honestly... what I noticed is that when you end a toxic relationship that is TRULY toxic, sad but true... the other person never tries to invest back into you or your life ever again. They know they got what they wanted and that door is closed. They walk away seeking out someone else to use.

Which hurts, but it hurts worse to stay in the toxicity.

So with that said, my pumpkins... live the life you have and love those around you who love you with all they are in return.

Appreciate your unique self... you were created to be an individual.  In church today, our pastor said something that resonated with me... and anytime you have to change who you are in your core for someone is not the way you were born to be. God made you the way you are and don't ever think you have to be someone your not to serve God. If God created me, and made me in His image, then why can't I just rest in that and know that as I am... I am enough. For truly I am.

Don't think you EVER have to be someone you weren't meant to be. Be you. Be your truest self. 

Show them your crazy, quirky, silly, serious, happy, artsy, animal lovin, silly dancing, loud music singing self.  For that uniqueness is what makes you amazing.  Don't hide you...

Acceptance is where it starts.  And it starts with you....

Accepting you...

For who you are...

For what you were created to be...

And what you will forever be...

For me? It is this mom. The one who plays and dresses up for Halloween and acts silly... this relationship... this being a mother thing? Is the most purest form of happiness and so opposite of toxic... These are the moments I cherish... this is me. HI, I am Melissa.. It is nice to meet you... XO