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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Reflections on Max

So, when I decided I had to get out of my first marriage due to abuse, I left without looking back. I had tried to stay with him for four years. The first abusive act happened when I was eight months pregnant with my son.  I thought, “If it was just me, and he wasn’t hurting my son, it could be ok.” But, looking back, it wasn’t ok.  My self-esteem started to dwindle to nothing, I felt as if I could die and it wouldn’t really matter.  He had alienated my family and my friends from me. The only people that were “allowed” to our house were the friends he wanted over. It was a very emotional, depressing time for me. So I saved up money in a “secret” account and waited for his next attack so I could leave without looking back.

The night that everything happened, he went to jail and Kennith and I went to my mom’s--- I had trouble sleeping. See, my ex would threaten to take Kennith from me, he threatened to expose any secret he knew about me… which used to keep me with him.  But, when you are abused and you know it is over, you don’t look back. I wouldn’t sleep; I would stay awake at night fearing his return for our son. Finally through counseling I came to realize that abusers make threats. That is how they control a situation.

I filed for a divorce right away, there was no way to rectify our relationship, since my ex didn’t really believe he was abusive (still doesn’t really think so to this day). And I started to move on.

I wanted to write about Max. I know I wrote about him briefly in my first writing on here, but the relationship I had with him really helped me transform into the woman I am today. I met Max when he was on a business trip.  He had been married before, and had a charm about him that captured me from the get go. We would sit there and laugh and talk about serious topics. He made me feel as if I could bring value to a relationship again. (lesson 1)

Max and I had an on and off again relationship. We had a long distance relationship which made it easier for both of us. He never wanted kids and didn’t think he was good with them, and here I had Kennith a 4 year old. I didn’t really want a full time relationship at the time, because I was working on healing and being a good mom… and it worked.  Max and I would travel.  My mom would watch Kennith for the weekend for me and I would meet Max in a random city. We would have a wonderful time seeing sights, eating great food, having wonderful conversations… It was a “safe” companionship. Max showed me what happy felt like. (lesson 2) Although, after a while he was not as happy as I with our companionship… He showed me what happy felt like.

Max helped me regain my inner beautiful. (lesson 3)  After being in a marriage for so long where I was just used to satisfy a need,  and I was told I wasn’t pretty often enough, hearing how beautiful I was from someone I appreciated really helped me not only own my inner and outer beauty but it made me feel beautiful.  There is something about a woman who feels beautiful.  They have more confidence, they are a bit coyer, and they walk talker. He helped me walk tall.

Max made me open myself up to possibilities, helped me become freer with who I was and am (lesson 4).  After we dated for a while, we stopped seeing each other.  He decided to try and pursue a relationship with his ex-wife.  They were still friends, and honestly, Max couldn’t decide what he wanted--- in reality, he wanted us both, but he couldn’t have us both.  When we stopped talking my heart ached. I was depressed and lonely… but I only was able to feel this way, because I opened myself up to possibilities… the possibilities of meeting someone who could love me and I could love back.

Max and I didn’t talk for months.  I decided that I wanted to casually date someone and met Mike on Match.com.  NOW, don’t even get me started about that whole thing, because Mike is a douchebag.  After a month of dating (and having the S-E-X once) I got pregnant. Mike and I didn’t get married, we didn’t even stay together because basically he was a 40 year old child who still lived (and lives) with his mother and doesn’t have to be responsible for anything and never will. WOW, true story but I guess I am really pissed at him and should blog about that someday.

Anyway, right after I found out I was pregnant, Max called me and wanted me back. I told him no. I pushed him away and eventually told him I was pregnant. He was upset and heartbroken because as much as he didn’t want children, the child in my belly could have been his.  

Max helped me understand true forgiveness (lesson 5). After my daughter was born, Max asked me if he could come and visit. I said yes. We started dating again shortly after that visit. Again, long distance… again he still doesn’t want children and likes his single-dom.

After a few months, Max offered me a deal.  A duplex in which we could share… he would live on one side, I would live on the other with the kids and we could share a door. I. WAS. PISSED. HURT. ANGRY. I was good enough for this man to sleep with and to eat dinner with, but not good enough to share a life with. (lesson 6)  I knew at that point, I wanted someone who wanted to share a life. I wanted to be married to someone who was my best friend, who wanted to be with me even in my worst days. Who wanted to share my kids and be a part of my life 100%. NOT to just be in my life when it was convenient for him.

Lesson 7 I learned on my own. DO NOT SETTLE FOR SOMETHING LESS THAN PERFECT FOR YOURSELF. I prayed on the perfect soul mate for me. I made a list and I prayed on it EVERY day.

Lessons 8-100 I have learned from my husband. If it weren’t for my adventures with Max, I wouldn’t have grown as a woman. I wouldn’t have the value I hold in myself today. I wouldn’t have met my husband. My husband is a man from God who is my fit in every way. To how our hands just fit perfectly together… how every night when I go to bed I fit perfectly in his arms. How our children mesh well together as a family unit… how our beliefs are the same. Phillip and I walk on the same moral ground. He would never betray me or I him. We have a friendship that has lasted for years and built our romantic relationship off of it. He is  my perfect match, my soul mate in every way.

So do I think of Max from time to time? Yes. I do. I wonder how he is and if he is happy.  And I thank him. For if he wouldn’t have brought up the ridiculous idea of a duplex, I would have settled for less than what I wanted out of life. I wouldn’t have reunited with my best friend, who is my husband--- I wouldn’t have my kids, and my happiness.  

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