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Friday, July 27, 2012

One Week = Progress Made

A week after my “sad," well rather heartbreaking blog, I am just following up.  Today I am getting my last iron infusion out of six at the cancer center.  It was hard coming up here, because I am here every six months for six weeks to get my infusion, and the nurses here are like friends. Today they were like, “how are you feeling?” Me realizing they don’t know about what happened last week.  I said I was feeling fine and one gal asked me how the baby was doing, and I looked at her and I said that the baby transitioned to heaven last Thursday. What am I supposed to say? I tried not to cry, I tried to hold it together and I think I did very well.  I just had a few tears in my eyes as I talked to her about it.

What I didn’t realize a week ago is that when I was in the recovery and bleeding heavily (sorry that is gross) and they gave me the medication to stop it, my chest started to hurt (like someone was taking a rubber band and squeezing it so tight I couldn’t think, breath… get comfortable)… I thought that was it… but the doctors told my husband that I could be having a heart attack.  What was supposed to be a one hour procedure has now been two hours. They left my husband alone… to think… to worry… left him with… “Your wife is having a heart attack” in his mind.  They gave me the medication to stop the pain (Nitro) and it worked.  They monitored my heart all night and did tests, and today I can thankfully say that I didn’t have a heart attack, there was no damage to my heart what-so-ever.  With that said, I still have residual effects from the medication (Methergrine) and I am still having pain in my chest and it is hard to breath, but the doctor said it will take a week or so to fully get out of my system.

I have been so wrapped up in my own pain, my own hurt, my own WHY did this happen to me… that I didn’t stop to think that much about what my husband went through as well.  It happened to US. We have talked about it, and he was amazing and so strong as we went through the procedure last week and the hospital stay.  He told me that there was something wrong with the baby and the baby is in heaven living well versus struggling on this earth, which is what I needed to hear. But, I never once stopped to really think about the pain he went through. I mean, I thought he was hurt, but I never stopped to walk in his shoes… that was until yesterday and today.

Last night we talked again and he talked with me about what he went through during that time.  The doctor walked into the waiting room.  Phillip was told I would be out of recovery in 30 minutes after the procedure but he had been sitting there for over an hour, getting antsy. When the doctor finally came to talk with him, he looked pale and disclosed to Phillip that I was having a reaction to the medication and that my heart and arteries were contracting and that I was in the process of having a heart attack. He then left. He left Phillip alone; alone with his thoughts.  After I talked with him last night, I felt the fear he experienced.  Last Thursday night he sat there after the doctor left and processed everything the doctor told him.  On that Thursday not only did he lose a baby, but the doctor just told him he could lose his wife.  Losing his wife means he also loses the two children from her that he is the daddy to.  So if something were tragically going to happen he would have lost the baby, me, Kennith, and Madelynn.  Too much to risk.  My mom said that Phillip called her and wanted to know why I would be taken from him when he just found me. My mom said that I wouldn’t be taken, and that I would be ok, but she came from Sioux City to Cedar Rapids to be with us. At that time, I didn’t know why… but I know why now and I am thankful for her visit.

Earlier this week I kept asking Phillip if we should try to have another baby. I know we didn’t plan on having one, but as we progressed through the pregnancy, we became attached and were excited about having a new addition to our family (and scared, who wouldn’t be). He said he would wait to talk about it later.  I now know why he would prefer not to try. I understand, because what if the roles were reversed? What it if was HIM who was going through the heart stuff and I was on the other end. I couldn’t even imagine life without him… he is my lobster (did anyone else see that “FRIENDS” episode?)--- I have waited all my life for him. He is my best friend, my lover, my partner, my business associate, my husband, the father to my children, someone I look up to, the person I have to snuggle to go to bed… he completes my life. If I were to lose him, I would lose my teenagers too. I cannot live my life without my girls. They are my family, my heart, my joy as much as Kennith and Madelynn are.

So, we probably are not going to try for a baby. As much as that hurts right now to say, it is too risky, based on the medication and the reaction after the D&C.  I want to spend many years loving my husband and my kids. I want to be there when they graduate from high school, graduate from college, get married, have babies… I want to be there. I chose to be there.  I want to be there every day, for as long as I can.

Just look at this moment… I desire more moments like this. This lady is not giving up hope... for I have just begun a new....

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