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Sunday, November 9, 2014

Shedding Toxic

Well, HEEELLLLLOOOOOO again.


Gosh, it has been forever since I have actually blogged, blogged, if you know what I mean.

The last time I spent time bloggin' the REAL stuff was such a long time ago... (err, MAY... MAY was the last time).... I CAN NEVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN.

Actually, I have been doing a lot of shedding of the excess.  The toxic so to speak.  I realized that with my strong desire to help others, and my compassion, I was inviting toxicity into my life without even knowing it... to the point of depression and sickness. 

See... toxic relationships will destroy you.  No lie, and they will subtly take away any self-esteem you have and can even make you physically ill because you are so over burdened with crazy up and down emotions you cannot handle the roller coaster.

TOXIC by definition is POISON. 


Have you ever been in a relationship that is toxic? It may have not started out that way, but it may be that way now.  How do you handle it? Can you shed the toxic? Do you even want to? I mean seriously.  If you don't want to shed it, don't... but know that the feeling you are going through will NOT go away until you let the toxic go.  WHY do I know that? I held onto toxic for a very long time, because I thought that the way I was treated meant I was actually cared for and loved.

There it is kids, the sad truth.  I held onto toxic relationships because hey... I carried a ton of baggage from my yout (said like Danny DeVito in "My Cousin Vinny"... I wonder if that is on Netflix. Lemme check....nope.  Darn it --> OH HOLY squirrel moment)... As I was saying, I carried so much baggage from my childhood.  I really only felt I carried ANY value when I was helping someone or doing something for someone that THEY wanted. I learned from a very young age that if someone needed me, they must love me.  If I could help with something or be there or do something or give of MY time... they cared about me for who I was, and not what I provided.

I pimped my emotional self out, kinda like a crack howwwa without the crack or the howwwa part, but the desperate, I have a safety pin holding up my pleather emotional boots and I won't kiss on the lips, Julia Roberts kind of way in "Pretty Woman" (is that even on Netflix? NO!  But Dirty Dancing is on Netflix... NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER.... Sorry, ADHD is truly kickin' in). 

I didn't understand that when they needed me for something it wasn't really love, it was being used... especially if friendship reciprocity never existed.  How many times in my life do I have to ask for some help or invite someone over and be let down before I get it? How many times do I have to help someone and then when I ask for ONE LITTLE THING in return get the door slammed in my preverbal face time and time again. 

I never thought I deserved better.


Who feels exactly what I just wrote. You don't feel like YOU deserve to have friendship reciprocity and you are OK with helping others and always being the reliable go-to person without having anything given in return?

AND if you don't help someone, the toxic invades.  A toxic relationship is a never ending roller coaster that is NOT fun but keeps you jumping and guessing and you get your hopes up and are continually let down, but then it becomes YOUR fault. You are always off balance, there are curves, and you all of a sudden have random bouts of anxiety? And you feel bad to let the toxic person down, yet you are the one suffering. BUT... if they are ok and they are happy... that is enough.

Guess what.  YOU deserve better. You deserve friendship equality.... friendship reciprocity.  When you say YES all the time to toxic, you are saying NO to the REAL friendships that could develop and you are saying NO to yourself and your own worth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... easier said than done.  BUT, I have done it. I did take the time to shed toxic.

Everyone is different and here is how I did it.  I am much happier today than I was a month ago. I love myself more... I hug my kids more, and I have decided to blog again, because I have value in me.  I am worth sharing my story and possibly helping someone else along the way.

Shedding toxic is not easy.  Sometimes you may think you need to change some friendships, and you him and haw about it... but then it takes an AH-HA moment.  My AH-HA moment came in the package of a very sweet blonde haired friend who is so nice and calm and we talk about everything but SHE LIT INTO ME.  SHE CALLED ME OUT (how dare she, right? LOL).  And I listened. And I agreed, I mean... I was already thinking it.  She held me accountable for me... and for feeding the toxic relationships and dropping EVERYTHING to make sure the other's needs were met. And as she and I were shopping for a pair of steel toed boots that the friend NEEDED (didn't ask me for them, more demanded them, and even though I said I didn't have a lot of money didn't really give me the chance to say no, so I was going to buy them anyway and I was crying... because I couldn't say no)... at that moment, I knew that I needed to end this type of relationship in my life.

Some toxic relationships are worth salvaging, some are not.


Truth.

 

Relationships worth salvaging... how do you approach them?

1) Talk to them.... have a REAL conversation.  Tell them how you feel, make sure to use I words and have examples of events to back up your REAL talk.

2) YOU set the tone for the relationship moving forward.  Let them know what expectations you have, set boundaries. When the other person is teeter-tottering on entering back into toxic, bring them back in. SPEAK UP!

Toxic Relationships you have to just say good-bye to:

1) Talk to them... Have a real conversation. Tell them how you feel, make sure to use I words and have examples of why you feel the way you do so you are not just talking you can have a very real conversation with you.

2) Tell them that you cannot do "this" kind of friendship. It hurts, and let them know how you feel.
3) Walk away... love them from a distance. Remember... wait and see if they realize what they have done and if they want to work on a friendship again, then decide whether it is worth it and if so, set a tone for the relationship to move forward.

Honestly... what I noticed is that when you end a toxic relationship that is TRULY toxic, sad but true... the other person never tries to invest back into you or your life ever again. They know they got what they wanted and that door is closed. They walk away seeking out someone else to use.

Which hurts, but it hurts worse to stay in the toxicity.

So with that said, my pumpkins... live the life you have and love those around you who love you with all they are in return.

Appreciate your unique self... you were created to be an individual.  In church today, our pastor said something that resonated with me... and anytime you have to change who you are in your core for someone is not the way you were born to be. God made you the way you are and don't ever think you have to be someone your not to serve God. If God created me, and made me in His image, then why can't I just rest in that and know that as I am... I am enough. For truly I am.

Don't think you EVER have to be someone you weren't meant to be. Be you. Be your truest self. 

Show them your crazy, quirky, silly, serious, happy, artsy, animal lovin, silly dancing, loud music singing self.  For that uniqueness is what makes you amazing.  Don't hide you...

Acceptance is where it starts.  And it starts with you....

Accepting you...

For who you are...

For what you were created to be...

And what you will forever be...


For me? It is this mom. The one who plays and dresses up for Halloween and acts silly... this relationship... this being a mother thing? Is the most purest form of happiness and so opposite of toxic... These are the moments I cherish... this is me. HI, I am Melissa.. It is nice to meet you... XO


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