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Thursday, April 26, 2012


Ok. So this title is rather odd, but I am frustrated. I am so used to driving the car to places but always taking the back seat, figuratively.

NOW, I should probably explain.... Let us travel back in time to a day where things were simple, easy, carefree... WHO AM I KIDDING? Let's go back to Monday morning...

(Right now, by ADHD brain is doing the doodley-doo, doodley-doo voices from WAYNE'S WORLD....Party time, excellent... ahhh,  do you remember that? *SMH* OK back on task... Monday...)

I want to first apologize for my random outbursts. It is how my brain is working today. I swear to the sweet baby Jesus, I have 15 things going through my head as I start this new business venture. I am like a little kid the day before Christmas waiting for Santa... But, that is a topic for a different day.

I love being involved in my kids lives. Doing things with them. Sitting at the table every night and talking to them about their days.  I love it when they come home.  The older girls first... If I am not on a call, or teaching.. I go upstairs and say hello and they tell me about their day. I warm all over. Just having them here and knowing they are safe and that we can have conversations about stuff that happened that they may not want to share with their dad or at the table with the little ones. I like having that moment with them.  Then Kennith comes home and he comes to my office. We talk about his day one on one too.  Then it is Maddy.  This is the ritual of my afternoon and I love it.
I know about my kids. I make it my priority. I get frustrated, because with the two older ones, I am JUST the step-mom.  It is such a thin line.  What frustrates me is that with my step daughter who lives with us full time, I am her "mom-type." I know what is going on with her medically, I feed her, I make sure she has clothes, I take care of her daily, I play cards with her, I hug her when boys are stupid, I am responsible for her medical insurance. I am in the moment...there with her.  But I am NOT allowed to be there for her if she gets hurt, her mother runs to the rescue.
Example number one... We go to get the tonsils removed.  I am responsible for paying for it. I have taken Alex to the appointments and hugged on her the night before surgery. I contacted the school to let them know she would be out. I bought her a cute outfit to wear to the surgery. I was sitting by her and cried with her about it. Yet, when we get to the surgery, her mother gets an attitude over Alex's new hair color (it is too dark), she gets MAD at Alex and storms out (come to find out because she did it with ME and the ex wasn't invited to go, but to be honest, I ain't payin' for her hairs to get did too...). I sit with Alex and tell her it will be ok. It is NOT about her hair today, it is about the surgery.  The mom settles down and comes back in. I explain that the reason why we went a bit darker, is because it would naturally fade to Alex's natural color (um hello. We have the best hair stylist EVAH)... the mom was still pissed off.  But, when we went back to pre-op, she took her rightful spot next to Alex. Talking to her about how special she is, OH MY BABY... I was in the waiting room. Because I was not made welcome in the pre-op room with Alex.  After surgery, her mother just gave me a dirty look, but I had to go back and check on Alex.  She is my daughter from another mother. Just because I didn't birth her from my loins doesn't take away the fact that I care about her and love her unconditionally.

Then this past Monday, Alex had a very important appointment with the pediatric cardiologist in Iowa City.  Long story short, the mom wanted me to pick her up, so I did (she has no job, she has an almost 5 mo old baby, and no car, home, or money).  At the doctor's appointment the doctor asked why we were there.  The mom looked at me.  Um, I guess she is too busy in her awesome life to know about her daughter... I smile and tell the doctor all the details about Alex passing out, the EKG and Echocardiogram results.  Then when Alex gets upset over the different things the doctor suggested to help with this issue, the mom rushes to her side and then shows her a picture of her baby sister to calm her down. WTF? I mean, just be there for her without talking about someone else, or the other kids... just be there for HER.  But Alex is loved on, and I sit there. Wanting to cry with her. Hold her hand, and tell her it will be ok.  She is going to be ok. That I am here for her too. And I sit in silence.

Her mom? She gets mad at the doctor and makes the doctor go outside for "words." Me, I just sit there. Quietly. Knowing that my turn to be there will be later.

Later that night, Alex and I talked. I told her I would do the required diet change with her and the excercises.  Becaues Lord knows I need to work out and be acountable and I need to eat better. I wanted her to know that she doesn't have to do it alone. Instead of getting mad at someone for telling us what we need to do to make it better, I decided to suport the recommendation by the doctor. SO yesterday, she held me accountable. She made me walk. I told her I would resist her, but she got me up off my butt, and we walked. Not that I wanted to, I mean I need to but I don't wanna... EVEN THOUGH I DON'T WANT TO... I would do it for her. And by doing it for my baby, I will be better myself.

I guess I am frustrated because the ex-wife (Alex's mom) has 4 kids. Beautiful children who have so much to offer the world. BUT, she treats Alex as if she is second to her man, her friends, or other kids (and in that order).  Or that is how I see it.  I mean, she canceled on Alex coming over to see her on Alex's birthday because she was with a friend. WHO DOES THAT?  Not me.

I will NEVER make my kids feel like they are second best.  So that is why I guess I choose to ride in the back.  See, riding in the front is ok, but you can only see a small amount of what is going on... riding in the back? I get to see everything.

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