I think, I think too much. Like as a mom, as a friend, as a girlfriend of sorts. I have too many responsibilities to not think ahead. Like, will you be kind to my children? Will you go to church with me and at least try it? What are your religious beliefs? IF you are atheist we probably cannot ever date... What is your personality like? Will you yell at me? Do you have abusive tendencies?
CAN I BE 100% MYSELF AROUND YOU?
Maybe I have become a bit bitter. Maybe a bit seasoned? Someone who knows what she wants? Someone who knows what her life is like and how complicated it is?
YEAH. That one for sure. I know how complicated my life is, duh... I live it every day. And guess what? I am happy... even in my worst moments, my darkest times I find a way to be happy and to find something happy in the middle of crap.
Often people have asked me HOW I can do that.... HOW can I go through a lot of crap and still smile all the time. Still have hope, blah-blah-blah-bla-blah (said in the voice of Dracula from Hotel Transylvania, FYI)....I have hope because I always have surrendered my life to God... giving my bad stuff to Him, because I don't have to carry it alone. Sharing the good stuff with Him, because He makes it possible. I never question it. I never doubt it. OH believe me, sometimes I don't want to surrender to Him, but I need to... and it maybe takes my sister to kick me in the butt and remind me.
Maybe I am this way because I was raised in a non-denominational church, and I had a grandmother who TOLD IT. PREACHED IT. BELIEVED IT. AND made you feel the fear of GOD in her words...that is why I never doubted it. AND I will never doubt it.
This believe I have has been the deciding factor in a lot of areas of my life... business, relationships, and how I try and live my life every day. I know I am not perfect. I am FAR from it... but I try to become a better person every day. I try to remind myself of my walk and why I am here. And I try not to complain about my life, because at least I am here to live it, RIGHT? PREACH IT SISTAH.
So maybe bitter is to harsh of a term. Maybe I am looking for something that doesn't exist... but until I find it, I won't settle. I have met a lot of amazing people on my journey and I never regret those who have come into my life... but we ALL deserve to have someone in our life that meets the desires of our heart and who is perfect for us in our eyes and in God's... someone who completes the hollow parts of our soul. Maybe this isn't even a someone but maybe it is a something... if that makes any sense. Like, I am comfortable being on my own... I am NOT good at dating. I am horrible at it. LOL
And to bring up a burr in my butt from over a month ago..... because it still frustrates me...
Being someone's "FRIEND with BENEFITS" is not acceptable for me or really for ANYONE out there. It is a frikkin' cop out to having REAL feelings. I don't care how many times you tell me you want me to show up half nekkid for you so you can do your thing... If I told you ONCE it is NOT GOOD ENOUGH for me, dude... it is not good enough. Don't stalk me, don't bring it up randomly... and DON'T ask me to wear fishnet stockings and an overcoat to your house. REAL LIFE IS NOT PORN. AND better yet, I am not trying to get YOU to do something you don't want. I am setting MY frikkin' boundaries. DON'T push me. This person is not anyone I have or will date, for OBVIOUS reasons, but don't come at me and be all GOD this and GOD that with misguided intentions. I see YOU. YOU pretend to be someone you are NOT... your mask only hides you from your real self and others can see right through you. SO friends, fine. BUT do NOT think you will be able to EVER take the happy train ride in the tunnel, GET WHAT I MEAN? True Story. The tunnel is closed for maintenance. LOL
Acknowledge. Accept. MOVE ON.
Here is the hard part though in my journey: I meet people who are lovely. They have wonderful personalities and are fun to be around, but I have kids... I have a conviction of how I want them to be raised. I have deep routed beliefs that I cannot change, nor I wouldn't want to. I need to stay close to my grounding... every time I am pulled away slightly bad things happen. I need to stay focused and stay on track. And I will not apologize for what I believe. I will not say I am sorry for who I am. I will stand solid in my beliefs for I know I don't stand alone. He will always be with me -- even though I have failed Him a ton of times, HE never left me. HE has always been by my side... I cannot and will not ever turn my back on Him.
Tuesdays... deep thoughts for Melissa....