I am in this phase of my adulthood. I don't know who I am as a person... I don't know who I want to be.
I am trying to figure out what I like and what I don't like. I am really working on this being alone thing. It is not easy, but in order for me to be a better me, I have to take this time to figure out all this... "STUFF".
Why do I feel guilty?
I was reading this book, "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" and I know who I will pass it to when I am done reading it. LOL But this book is so me because I suck at letting people down. I don't like to make others hurt.
This is probably the part of me that I am working on the most. The guilt ridden me. The one who will bear the weight of the world on my shoulder just so one other person doesn't have to hurt. BUT it makes me PHYSICALLY sick. My stress manifests itself in physical sickness.
How many of you are going through a stressful time? You feel sick to your stomach, or your neck or back hurts? You cannot stop the allergies? YOU HAVE A MIGRAINE?? Sometimes if we internalize all of the stresses we face in the world and we have no way to release it, so it manifests itself in the form of sickness.
DETOX THAT SHIT.
Start to make the changes you need to in order to get to a healthier you. I own my mistakes. I know I am strong willed, and I am stubborn. I am now detoxing. I am shedding my life of all of the things that have been toxifying it and taking up valuable mental and heart space.
I am making a list of the crap that clutters my mind...
FIRST on the list... get over my feelings for my ex-husband-to-be. I have to figure out how to not love him the way I have always, because it is not a returned thing. The hurt that ensued after our "split" I turned into spite. I emotionally went "numb" (which is what I tend to do when I am pushed to a place I don't want to go, I emotionally shut down, and then deal with it later). So I now have to deal with it. I have to figure out how to get over that.
SECOND... I need to clean my room. GOSH, it is worse than high school and any of my high school friends would say it can't be. LOL Plus I owe my sister some suits, I have gotta put those in the mail to her.
THIRD... I have to eat better, drink more water, and take my vitamins. (I hate vitamin taste, but I need the supplements). I worry about getting sick, so I think I DO get sick.
FOURTH... learn how to be alone. I love alone time, but to truly have to make it on my own with my kids. I need to do this for ME, I need to know that I can do it and still be a great human being.
FIFTH... stop arguing with Maddy's dad when he calls. He intentionally tries to hurt me. So, I have to just tune him out. Every time I argue with him I get so beat up and I want to just cry... I need to figure out how to detox that prick from my mind.
SIXTH... I have to stop worrying about the fact that I am not really loveable for who I am. It is EASY to say you love someone when you don't know them well enough. I have to learn that I am loveable for my quirks, and I too can love someone else, without worrying about getting hurt.
SEVENTH... I have to learn how to love myself completely...from the inside out.
And until then, this journey of self-discovery continues to forge ahead.