After coming across the spread sheet my soon to be ex husband drafted in order to justify financially our marriage for two more years without a love relationship (to make it more cost effective for him), I finally broke down.
I was blind sided.
For those of you who truly know me, you know my heart. It is right here, on my sleeve. I have been told that I get to emotional, I like to say I live my life with passion.
I am an internalizer.I always have been. It is part of me and at 41, I am well seasoned and know how to work with MY issues. I am woman enough to realize what it means to be an internalizer and how to work with it. It is my goal to not internalize everyone else's needs to the extent that I will suffer instead of them... , I would rather hurt 10 times more as long as they didn't... WHY do so many women do this? It is shit I tell you... shit. STOP IT if you are doing it.... AND YES, I am a hypocrite... lol, This is a lesson I need to learn, so my kids don't try to take on the hurt of everyone and carry it. That my kids don't want to disappoint someone because they A) don't want rejection and B) don't want someone else to hurt.
When I found that spreadsheet, I realized how vulnerable I made myself in the past so I could "find" the one assuming that the other person had the best of intentions. When my best friend asked me on a date, I was flattered and was instantly in love... WHY? Because I was in love with him when I was younger, and I assumed the man he was then was the man he was still. I was able to open up and love him without condition. He hurt me in the most raw way a person hurts another. He knew how to manipulate my vulnerability, and I let him. I had my "rose colored glasses" on because I was in LOVE and I didn't see through his mask.. He wins an Academy Award for his role...
"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages." -W. Shakespeare
When I wrote Academy Award, I instantly thought of this awesome quote from Shakespeare. When I am in church they talk about seasons. Not like winter, spring, summer, or fall (did anyone else just sing that like they were James Taylor? Admit it... now carry it on.. all ya gotta do is calllllll)... wait... as I digress... where was I? Oh yeah... seasons. Everything has a time and a place. It is not by chance or by choice. When the season is over, it is over and you move to the next season. I know my next season will be amazing. Right now I am in limbo between seasons like my own version of purgatory? LOL
I have to break the ties the bind me to the past and figure out the woman I want to be.
Most people who "know me" know the silly, happy, laid back me... not the serious, thoughtful, powerhouse who will take you out if needed (and not on like take you out to dinner, I mean take you out- take you out). Kinda like the trailer trash ghetto I was talking with Shannan and Merissa about the other day. Not the fancy-cool-double-wide kinda trailer park, but the my-trailer-needs-a-generator-and-propane tank-and-duct -tape-to-hold-it-together kind of trailer trash. It is like my version of ghetto. I never lived in a real ghetto, nor do I want to... BUT I did visit a scary trailer park in a small town outside of Nashville that was all ghetto trailers and NO BOOZE in the county, which didn't make sense to me. THATS the kind of ghetto I am talking about... lol
Now, where was I---- OH, finding Melissa...
I have to find myself, love myself, be happy in my own skin with me, and do things on my own before I can TRUST someone to be there for me.
I was told by someone that they loved me, more than anyone else. That they see their life with me. That I was everything they wanted, friend, lover, great parent. And when the money wasn't there as anticipated, he would write it down in a notebook and say I didn't give money on this date and how ungrateful I was. This is the hardest thing for me to swallow, and if you haven't been there you cannot understand. Up until the last two months of our marriage he was nice to me, kissed me, told me he loved me... all an act. Once he made up his mind about how he wanted to spend the summer and NOT in a house with me working there and kids... he was ready to let me go. He didn't need me anymore... BUT he did want the THINGS we bought together. I wanted the love we supposedly built....
I put my heart... my faith...my KID's lives... my job... my family... on the line for this love, because he did everything someone in love should do... yet in the end... there was a spreadsheet. And a note book. A note book of all of the things he did for me that I didn't appreciate. (I did appreciate it but he decided not to recognize it, oh well)... He journaled every day for two months about my attitude towards him. I was cleaning and one day it was there, and of course... I read it.. WHO WOULDN'T!
"May 9th: M was pretty descent but fake nice and had that tone" Yeah I had a tone, I was making dinner, getting kids ready, waiting for my mom, and speaking at an event with 200 women.. I was nervous... but I had a tone--- did you even ask why? NO... WTF.
When he came home from work--- I went into Stepford Wife. Had to sacrifice my actual job to clean the house after myself, him, the kids so he would not get mad. He documented my behavior as if I was on trial.
He was the judge... juror... prosecutor to a trial I didn't know I was the defendant for... and he decided that we would never work out. And he kicked me out of the house because I took my own money out of our joint account to save so I could move. That was the day he told me he never loved me... the day he kicked me and my children out of the house we called home. The home my 4 and 9 year olds had rooms in and in a neighborhood we had friends in... he kicked us out and threatened me.
This was not the man I married. The man I married was fun, he laughed... he danced in the kitchen with me... he took me to the farmer's market and out to dinner...
The man I walked out on was bitter. Played computer games while he was at home and drank vodka secretly all night. The man I walked out on hated me. The man I walked out on only saw me as a meal ticket and not a life love partner. The man I walked out on told me he was miserable... I was like then what should we do? He said if you go or if you stay I will still be miserable...
So, here I wait for my divorce to be final and as it gets closer, I feel more broken. I want to have that relationship that will be forever, but I fear I will not find it. I am not guarded here on this site and I freely let anyone read it. I know I am dating a wonderful man (I know, I am not officially divorced but he, it is 2013), but I need time and space to heal. I need time to realize that I am worth it.
I talked to my soon to be ex-husband's ex wife (say that three times while spinning in circles) and asked her a few questions to confirm that he is as selfish as I see him. When she worked for a car dealer and SHE got the new car, at lunch they met, he took the keys and she never got to drive it again. She worked three jobs so he could graduate college, he said she never worked and she was lazy. Sometimes it is all about perspective.
I don't often come on here to bitch and moan, but I am sick, sad, and I have pink eye in both eyes and I have been crying so I am taking a bitch card for today. K? Thanks. ;)
It is about me this time. It is about my needs and the needs of my children. I need to internalize other peoples needs less, and internalize my needs more. As I stated in my last blog, I don't like hurting others, but I don't like being hurt. I especially don't like it when someone doesn't trust my intentions because theirs are not good (they do something so the public thinks they are such a good person, when really they aren't they just want the fame kind of shit)....
Right now I am so hurt I cry every night. Someday I will be worth it... not for you, or anyone else... but for me. And until that time, I have to keep on my self healing journey. Honestly... why want someone when they feel broken and they need to fix their heart for herself?
When my divorce is final.. I have ONE last statement to Phillip... Let me know what you think ---
"You know it is a shame you aren't really the caring outgoing person you pretend to be... because he? He would be really happy and love life--- Maybe you need to figure out how to be that personality more."
Too cold? Do I sound bitter? Maybe. OK. I think I need to bake a cake or something. The smell of baked nummies always makes me smile especially when it is warm and I can eat it with some ice cream, watch the Bachelor finale with it when the kids go to bed.
With that said, I am sad but I am happy. Does that make sense? I am sad because a season is over, and I did not see the end of the season coming (kinda like 45 degree weather in Iowa in July, WHO WOULDDA THUNK IT)... but I am ready for the next season. I just have to figure out one thing... do I wear shorts? Jeans and a hoodie? Or a parka?