Seasons Change...

The past three days have been emotional roller coasters for me.  Up and down, side to side... I have cried more in three days than I have in a whole year.

After coming across the spread sheet my soon to be ex husband drafted in order to justify financially our marriage for two more years without a love relationship (to make it more cost effective for him), I finally broke down.

I was blind sided.

For those of you who truly know me, you know my heart. It is right here, on my sleeve.  I have been told that I get to emotional, I like to say I live my life with passion.

I am an internalizer. 

I always have been. It is part of me and at 41, I am well seasoned and know how to work with MY issues. I am woman enough to realize what it means to be an internalizer and how to work with it.  It is my goal to not internalize everyone else's needs to the extent that I will suffer instead of them... , I would rather hurt 10 times more as long as they didn't... WHY do so many women do this? It is shit I tell you... shit. STOP IT if you are doing it....  AND YES, I am a hypocrite... lol, This is a lesson I need to learn, so my kids don't try to take on the hurt of everyone and carry it. That my kids don't want to disappoint someone because they A) don't want rejection and B) don't want someone else to hurt.

When I found that spreadsheet, I realized how vulnerable I made myself in the past so I could "find" the one assuming that the other person had the best of intentions.  When my best friend asked me on a date, I was flattered and was instantly in love... WHY? Because I was in love with him when I was younger, and I assumed the man he was then was the man he was still. I was able to open up and love him without condition. He hurt me in the most raw way a person hurts another.  He knew how to manipulate my vulnerability, and I let him. I had my "rose colored glasses" on because I was in LOVE and I didn't see through his mask.. He wins an Academy Award for his role...

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages." -W. Shakespeare

When I wrote Academy Award, I instantly thought of this awesome quote from Shakespeare.  When I am in church they talk about seasons.  Not like winter, spring, summer, or fall (did anyone else just sing that like they were James Taylor? Admit it... now carry it on.. all ya gotta do is calllllll)... wait... as I digress... where was I? Oh yeah... seasons.  Everything has a time and a place. It is not by chance or by choice.  When the season is over, it is over and  you move to the next season.  I know my next season will be amazing. Right now I am in limbo between seasons like my own version of purgatory? LOL

 

I have to break the ties the bind me to the past and figure out the woman I want to be.

Most people who "know me" know the silly, happy, laid back me... not the serious, thoughtful, powerhouse who will take you out if needed (and not on like take you out to dinner, I mean take you out- take you out). Kinda like the trailer trash ghetto I was talking with Shannan and Merissa about the other day.  Not the fancy-cool-double-wide kinda trailer park, but the my-trailer-needs-a-generator-and-propane tank-and-duct -tape-to-hold-it-together kind of trailer trash.  It is like my version of ghetto. I never lived in a real ghetto, nor do I want to... BUT I did visit a scary trailer park in a small town outside of Nashville that was all ghetto trailers and NO BOOZE in the county, which didn't make sense to me. THATS the kind of ghetto I am talking about... lol

Now, where was I---- OH,  finding Melissa...

I have to find myself, love myself, be happy in my own skin with me, and do things on my own before I can TRUST someone to be there for me.

I was told by someone that they loved me, more than anyone else.  That they see their life with me. That I was everything they wanted, friend, lover, great parent. And when the money wasn't there as anticipated, he would write it down in a notebook and say I didn't give money on this date and how ungrateful I was. This is the hardest thing for me to swallow, and if you haven't been there you cannot understand.  Up until the last two months of our marriage he was nice to me, kissed me, told me he loved me... all an act.  Once he made up his mind about how he wanted to spend the summer and NOT in a house with me working there and kids... he was ready to let me go. He didn't need me anymore... BUT he did want the THINGS we bought together.  I wanted the love we supposedly built....

I put my heart... my faith...my KID's lives... my job... my family... on the line for this love, because he did everything someone in love should do... yet in the end... there was a spreadsheet. And a note book.  A note book of all of the things he did for me that I didn't appreciate. (I did appreciate it but he decided not to recognize it, oh well)... He journaled every day for two months about my attitude towards him. I was cleaning and one day it was there, and of course... I read it.. WHO WOULDN'T! 

"May 9th: M was pretty descent but fake nice and had that tone" Yeah I had a tone, I was making dinner, getting kids ready, waiting for my mom, and speaking at an event with 200 women.. I was nervous... but I had a tone--- did you even ask why? NO... WTF.

 When he came home from work--- I went into Stepford Wife.  Had to sacrifice my actual job to clean the house after myself, him, the kids so he would not get mad. He documented my behavior as if I was on trial. 

He was the judge... juror... prosecutor to a trial I didn't know I was the defendant for... and he decided that we would never work out. And he kicked me out of the house because I took my own money out of our joint account to save so I could move. That was the day he told me he never loved me... the day he kicked me and my children out of the house we called home.  The home my 4 and 9 year olds had rooms in and in a neighborhood we had friends in... he kicked us out and threatened me.

This was not the man I married. The man I married was fun, he laughed... he danced in the kitchen with me... he took me to the farmer's market and out to dinner...

The man I walked out on was bitter. Played computer games while he was at home and drank vodka secretly all night. The man I walked out on hated me. The man I walked out on only saw me as a meal ticket and not a life love partner. The man I walked out on told me he was miserable... I was like then what should we do? He said if you go or if you stay I will still be miserable...

So, here I wait for my divorce to be final and as it gets closer, I feel more broken.  I want to have that relationship that will be forever, but I fear I will not find it.  I am not guarded here on this site and I freely let anyone read it. I know I am dating a wonderful man (I know, I am not officially divorced but he, it is 2013), but I need time and space to heal. I need time to realize that I am worth it.

I talked to my soon to be ex-husband's ex wife (say that three times while spinning in circles) and asked her a few questions to confirm that he is as selfish as I see him.  When she worked for a car dealer and SHE got the new car, at lunch they met, he took the keys and she never got to drive it again.  She worked three jobs so he could graduate college, he said she never worked and she was lazy.  Sometimes it is all about perspective.

I don't often come on here to bitch and moan, but I am sick, sad, and I have pink eye in both eyes and I have been crying so I am taking a bitch card for today. K? Thanks. ;)

It is about me this time. It is about my needs and the needs of my children.  I need to internalize other peoples needs less, and internalize my needs more. As I stated in my last blog, I don't like hurting others, but I don't like being hurt. I especially don't like it when someone doesn't trust my intentions because theirs are not good (they do something so the public thinks they are such a good person, when really they aren't they just want the fame kind of shit)....

Right now I am so hurt I cry every night.  Someday I will be worth it... not for you, or anyone else... but for me. And until that time, I have to keep on my self healing journey. Honestly... why want someone when they feel broken and they need to fix their heart for herself? 

When my divorce is final.. I have ONE last statement to Phillip... Let me know what you think ---
 

"You know it is a shame you aren't really the caring outgoing person you pretend to be... because he? He would be really happy and love life--- Maybe you need to figure out how to be that personality more."

Too cold? Do I sound bitter? Maybe.  OK. I think I need to bake a cake or something. The smell of baked nummies always makes me smile especially when it is warm and I can eat it with some ice cream, watch the Bachelor finale with it when the kids go to bed.

With that said, I am sad but I am happy.  Does that make sense? I am sad because a season is over, and I did not see the end of the season coming (kinda like 45 degree weather in Iowa in July, WHO WOULDDA THUNK IT)... but I am ready for the next season. I just have to figure out one thing... do I wear shorts? Jeans and a hoodie? Or a parka?

 

I don't know but I am sure it will be fan-fucking-tastic.

I finally GET Dick....

Got your attention? LMAO

I am sure I did... but really. I finally DO get Dick. Dick is my therapist. Well, was my marriage therapist until the "marriage" was determined to be a financial arrangement versus a real love relationship. But I do get what he was saying.

He told me, "Don't get emotionally involved in a relationship for three months. This will keep you in an objective status."

He meant a romantic relationship, but I applied it to all relationships and really, work in general. I have determined that I am empathetic and vulnerable, so it is easy for me to emotionally attach and I don't like to really hurt people (I know- for most of us this is a "DUH MELISSA" moment, but honestly there are people who strive and "get off" on hurting other people).

I don't like to be the person who:

* Tells you that your dress makes you look fat, when it really does

* Has to tell you your fly is open after you talked in a public venue or had to do something really important.. or really EVER

* Has to tell another person bad news.  I remember having to tell my mom and my sisters about my dad's passing. It was the worst thing I ever had to tell them.  I know how much they all cared about them (even my mom who had been divorced from my dad) and how they would hurt. If I could have figured out a way to lessen the pain, I would have

* Has to fire someone

* Watches as someone else gets verbally "abused" by a friend or other person, but I don't want to step in between, because I don't want to offend or hurt either person


When any of these things happen, I physically get sick. I emotionally connect so fast, it is hard for me to detach and look at it from an outside perspective.

Recently, I have started using the "Dick approach" and trying to look at things from an outside perspective.  It has been very eye opening.  I realize that I have a HUGE tolerance for things normally other folks don't have patience for... and I try (TRY) to have patience and the grace of God when dealing with those situations that require it.

Lately, I feel as if EVERYTHING in my path has tested my resolve.  The resolve to be myself and to be objective and to remove the emotional connection so I can view things objectively.

Here is what I have learned through my "test":

1) I am definitely NOT perfect, I am flawed

2) I do not tolerate grown adults who say things out of anger, and then after they are called out on it, apologize (repeatedly).  If you are an adult, you should be able to conduct yourself as though you are and you DON'T get a do-over. Do-overs are for children.  You cannot consistently be rude to others, while expecting everyone to bow down to you, and then apologize for your rudeness later on.

3) I have wants and they are as important as other peoples wants

4) I can be happy alone

5) I have few "friends" but a lot of acquaintances--- I have always been emotionally guarded (even though extremely outgoing)

6) I am worth the wait--- so if I am hesitant regarding something it is ok, I don't have to rush it (especially with relationships and other big decisions like moving).  If the other (person or thing) is not willing to wait for me, it is probably not the right timing

7) I don't have to settle for less than what I deserve in life

8) People make mistakes. .Forgive often, because you too need forgiveness from time to time. We are not perfect as humans.

9) I may make decisions that are best for me, and I may hurt others along the way unintentionally, and that is OK

10) I am perfect for me


I LOVE DICK!  I never thought I would ever want to say those three words and actually scream them at the top of my lungs until now.

Oh dear Dick. I finally get it and I get it....REAL GOOD, DICK... very well played.  No wonder you are a therapist.  Dick Therapy is what I call it (and then I giggle and snort like, because THAT's my gross personality, sometimes I make jokes that a 16 year old boy would.  Dick Therapy... bwahhaaaa)....

Changes are a'comin... Melissa is a'growin'.  Life is a-changin' for the better.

Lesson Learned: Vulnerability

"Back to life.... back to reality... back to the here and now... OH YEAH... show me how, decide what you want from me..." - En Vogue

So... I sit here thinking about the last three years of my life, and the lyrics from En Vogue haunt me.

They are not lyrics that bring me joy, instead they are lyrics that make me think.

My entire life I have been vulnerable.  Vulnerable to people in my inner circle AND I give those in that circle a lot of "extra credit" (not like a teacher's extra credit, but extra credit in the fact that you can do mean or wrong things and I will forgive you).  After the last three years, I have decided to take a new perspective.


Vulnerability. Weakness. DEFENSELESS.

Really? I have been leading my life with the idea that being vulnerable is a good thing (and to some extent it is good, but to the extent I have been taking it, it is not). I would allow myself to be open to emotional harm. Put MY heart on the line, put MY beliefs on the line for someone else, so I wouldn't hurt them OR I wouldn't see them hurt. I live (or after this, LIVED) my life thinking that if I was the only one hurt because I made myself vulnerable to that, then it was fine.

Is that right? Is THAT what I want to teach to my children? Is that what I want for myself?

For all answers, it is NO.

So, from this day forward I change the world vulnerable to empathetic.  For a long time I thought they were similar but they are not. Empathy means identifying or understanding what others feel.  THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE.

This is my ME MISSION.  I am not a selfish person by any means.  Anyone who knows me knows I would do ANYTHING to help out a friend, or a cause, or a friend of a friend, or a friend of a friend's cause. What I mean by a ME MISSION is that I can empathize with someone without becoming vulnerable. 

A wake up call of sorts? Maybe.  But there it is.  Praises to the CHEESUS that at the tender age of 41 I finally figured it out.

I have to realize that I have needs, my kids have needs and they are as important or even (GOD FORBID I SAY IT) more important than other's needs. 

WOW. I think I just needed to type that out.... NOW I must start living by it. 

Thank you for reading my 12:49 AM post about vulnerability. Have a wonderful day.

Life: Upside Down and Back Again

So it has been a lot time since I blogged. 

Life has been a roller coaster, I have been twisted around, I hung upside down- suspended in the air, and now I am finally on the descent... you know, the last part of the ride where you are like, "HOLY SHIT... that was some ride, Batman..." but when you get off the ride all you want to do is kiss the ground... and pee.

 

So this is my kiss the ground moment.

Update: After 2 1/2 years of being with my husband... we are in the process of a divorce.  I am not sure why or how but we are.  He said that I didn't show him I loved him.  This to me is sad, because from what I understand from the examples set forth before me are this:

* Love is caring about someone and genuinely wanting to know how there day is
* Love is being there unconditionally
* Love is loving their children as if they were your own, and being compassionate to their needs
* Love is affection (regardless of the S.E.X. piece.  Love is the affection you give each other... hugs, kisses, snuggles)
* Love is attending events together (helping out with school activities, supporting your spouse in their activities, even if it is something you are not as excited about)
* Love is making a dinner for you because your partner knows that you love a certain food
* Love is cleaning up after everyone without thanks
* Love is patient
* Love is doing anything in your power to make sure your partner is taken care of and happy
* Love is laughing together when you really want to cry
* Love is listening
* Love means going beyond the basics
* Love means listening... truly listening and not just hearing
* Love is compassion
* Love is tenderness
* Love means sacrifice without losing yourself in the process of loving

 Webster's dictionary states love is, "strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties."

So, although I had a hard time for a while dealing with this fact that I didn't show him love, I now know it was a tactic to move me out, and I did show love the way I learned... an unconditional love that goes beyond giving "things" to the other person.  I also learned that some people will not ever be able to love regardless of how hard they try (thanks to DICK therapy--- Err,  Dick is my therapist... lol).  Love is an action.  Love is a learned thing, and it isn't a skill you just have, it is learned...you learn it from your parents and those around you. If you didn't see it growing up, you don't know how to give or show love at all.

Over the past few months I have learned how to love myself, and I learned the following....

 WHO I am is good enough. 

I learned more about what "ills" my soon to be ex, and I am moving on... the marriage failed, neither he or I did.

So from this day forward, my blog will still focus on my kids... It will still be a random acts of my brain... lol, but it will be from the cuff.

This is my life---- unscripted.

Make sure to spend your life letting those around you whom you love, know you love them and care about them. Don't let a moment go unnoticed.  For those of you who truly know me and my soul, you know how I feel about you through my actions and not words.

I am kissing the ground... thankful that a ride is over... waiting my turn in line... my turn for the ride of my life.  You know, the one that makes you want to ride it over and over and over again 'til the park closes?  That one. That is what I am waiting for.

I am no longer sad. I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Be Blessed!

Ye Ol' Bucket List

Hi.  Remember me? Mom-blogger, and lady who is just random?

I don't think I have blogged in a long time. Things have been rather, bat shit crazy to be honest.  Things have just been crazy.

I mean, I could spend time going over the many issues that I have been dealing with over the past month, but kids, I gots so many issues you need a subscription.

BWAAAHHHAAA (I would like to say I came up with that one on my own, but um... I didn't I actually stole it from my uncle).

Anyway, do you have a bucket list? A list of things you want to do before you die? Or before you are 40? or before you are 50? Or before you have kids?

I have a bucket list of things I want to do before I turn 50.  My bucket list is random and odd... and it doesn't have anything like, "GO TO ITALY AND TASTE WINE" or anything that cool.  My bucket list is of things I wanted to do but I:
A) didn't have the opportunity to do it.
B) didn't know where I could pull it off.
C) didn't have time to do it when the opportunity first presented itself.
D) didn't have the money to do it.
E) didn't have the gumption to get out there and do it.

So, my bucket list has stuff like,
* Take the L-SAT (done)
* Color my hair purple just because (not done, but doing it for Relay for Life this year)
* Wear an animal costume at a kid's event (DONE)

and so on.

What, you never had the desire to wear an animal costume? I mean, I don't want to be one of those sex furries or something like that- people... Is that what they are called? I maybe should look it up) SO I am now looking up "What do you call people who wear animal furry costumes for sex purposes? REALLY.... AHHH, I was right.  Furries... EWWW, anyway to each his or her own...

ME? I just wanted to wear an animal costume and bring smiles to kids....

Here is the thing.  I SHOULD HAVE LOOKED AT THIS FROM A SANER POINT OF VIEW.

I played the Easter Bunny for 20 minutes this weekend (to give Alex a break so she could actually eat some lunch)... and what I found is that people are rude.

YOU READ THAT RIGHT.  I don't think we as parents an REALLY appreciate the fuzzy bunny at the mall.  Listen, that costume is hotter than shit... AND you can barely see out of it.  People let their kids manhandle you (or in my instance, woman handle you)... and you have to hold crying babies that you CAN'T SEE and try not to drop them. AND THEN, if you do have a child sit on your lap, is it appropriate to wrap your arm around him/her? What if they start to fall and you grab their leg? I mean, I don't want to be seen as a bunny who gets his kicks (yes his, it was a boy bunny costume) off of grabbing kids.  And then the crying kids. I swear, I don't like it when they cry. I wanted to cry right with them.

FINALLY they came to take me back to change back to normal. AND parents are pissed off. They have waited in line... OMG, I know what that feels like, to be the waiting parent with a screaming kid, but here is the deal... if you haven't been the bunny, don't hate the bunny.  YOU don't know what it is like to be the bunny and have a 2 year old poop his diaper on your lap, have the fumes get trapped in your "bunny head" and you really can't breath... DON'T HATE the bunny.

Instead, love the bunny (but not like, err LOVE IT, I am not promoting the furry lifestyle)... but have a bit more respect.  The person playing the bunny loves kids, or he/she would not do it.  Have compassion.

I remember a song from Urinetown (great musical I was in) and there was a song entitled, "Don't Be the Bunny." I always thought it was odd. I mean, it was a musical about people wanting to pee for free.  However, after yesterday's fiasco... I agree... don't be the bunny. 

So, an item checked off my personal bucket list.  But now I think I want to be a character that doesn't have to wear a big head.  Santa??? Err, maybe boobs and no facial hair could be a hindrance there... Maybe Mrs. Claus.  Yes.  Mrs. Claus... I could pull off grey hair, glasses and rosy cheeks... (NEW ITEM ON BUCKET LIST ADDED).

Wait... Never mind... I don't want to be farted on again.  Just sayin'.....

 

Recipe Time: BACON... How I love thee...

So, I have a confession... I love bacon.

Bacon is about the best thing on this earth for me... besides coffee... but if I could eat bacon at every meal, every day of my life... (AND NOT have a coronary) I probably would.

Here's the thing. I HATE when it splatters on me, and I have way to many bacon grease burns to even go into.

I have friends who have put bacon in the over to cook it.  I never tried. WHY? I likes my bacon crunchy and very well done and I just couldn't understand how it could get that yummo in the oven.

Then, I tried to make it on my own.  EPIC FAIL.  I put the bacon onto a pan and well.... when it was done it stuck to the pan. I wanted to try it, so I had to use my finger nails and chip if off the pan.

So then... I figured it out... what I needed.  Why didn't I think of that first!  So I set out to make my bacon.

This specific blog post is for my sweet and loving brother in law, Scott.  I wanted to show him that YES... bacon in the over is just as good... OR BETTER than on the stove top.

Ingredients:
Bacon, bacon, and wait... more bacon (I tend to use the Farmland low sodium but this time I had the thick stuff)
Parchment paper


Yep.  That is it.  NO special sauce, pepper... or anything.  Just your bacon and parchment paper.






Directions:

Heat your oven to 400 degrees

Place a sheet of parchment paper on the baking pan (with sides)

Place bacon on top of parchment paper


Once oven is heated, place pan in the oven and bake for 20 minutes

Remove bacon and let cook on paper towels.

Eat the damn bacon.

 

 

 

That is it. YUMMO. Have a fantastic Wednesday!!

I.HATE... I mean REALLY, RELLY HATE----

I absolutely hate cancer.

I mean, I don't know anyone who really LOVES cancer.... Most of us hate it.  I hate that this disease can take away a loved one in a matter of months... days... years...

I hate the fact that there isn't a "one cure fits all cancers" out there.  I HATE the fact that cancer metastasizes differently in everyone.... so what may work as a cure for some won't work as a cure for others.

I hate that I lost four loved ones in the past year... and more than I can count on two hands in my lifetime.  I am just ONE person.

I think pretty much everyone we know has been touched by this dreadful word... cancer... Either you have been diagnosed with it, your loved one has, your friend has, your co-worker has...  maybe you are a caregiver to someone who has heard those three horrible words... "YOU have cancer."
 I want to shout from the rooftops and tell cancer to bleep the bleep off... but I can't.  You see, it cannot hear me.  It cannot emote and express it's opinion and tell  me how it is NOT FAIR that I center my hate around it... but it can attack.  So how do I fight back?

I am just ONE person...

I am just ONE person in a town of thousands.  How can I make a difference?

I am just ONE person who lost another friend to cancer today.  When I was younger, this nice lady at church would always smile at me, and hug me.  She always asked how I was doing.  She was always there when I needed just a hug, and with no questions.  She was a greeter at my church, and even on the coldest days, she would stand outside in the Iowa winter and shake a hand, give a hug... be there for anyone who needed some unconditional love.  She was a woman who loved me when I was alone, single... a mother of an infant.  While others may have shunned me for having a child out of wedlock (and it was my second child, my son was from my first marriage), she loved me. When my children came with me to church service instead of Sunday school, she loved on them and told them how important they were. She was a natural soprano I, in which I was extremely jealous... lol,  when she sang in her high register, instead of the tone being tinny.... it was thin... strong, and powerful.  Kinda like her.  That is it, her voice was just like her; thin, strong, and powerful. She sent me notes, told me I was on the right track.. I will NEVER know how she had my address, but she did. And every few weeks, there would be a love letter in the mail to me from Mrs. R.  She made such a difference in my life... more than a difference, she made me feel like I was important in the eyes of my family, and God. Even though I know she is in a much better place... I know she is in heaven, I mourn her departure from this earth, and I know I will see her again.  I just wasn't ready to say good-by yet. And I don't know if we ever are really ready to say good-by to those we care about...

 She fought.... and she fought hard. 

So why can't I? I mean, I have two working feet, a cancer free body (thank GOD for technology and me finally wising up).... What can I do?

I am just ONE person...

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the fact that I am just ONE person, I forget there are a lot of ONE persons out there. People like me, with their own cancer story to share.  Whether it is one of surviving, like sweet Dawn (YOU GIRL are an inspiration), or one of caregiving.... God bless oncology nurses... my mother is one and what you do every day I cannot imagine doing.  Or maybe you, like me, have lost one too many family members... lost one too many friends... There are a lot of US out there.

I am just ONE person... with a dream of a cancer free world. 

I started walking in Relay for Life after my mother in law (my ex-husband's mother and one of the most amazing women I have ever known) was diagnosed with multiple myeloma.  I continue to walk, and raise money for American Cancer Society in her honor, my way of giving back to a woman who was taken from us too early, because of cancer.

So, I am going to turn my ONE person journey and invite others to walk with me.  You can walk in spirit, you can come out in June to walk beside me.  Help me make this ONE person--- ONE HUNDRED....

Relay started with ONE man... who ran ONE night.... for ONE cause.  Dr. Gordy Klatt...

Why can't we continue his dream? I am going to turn my anger, my sadness...into action...

I will celebrate the time I had with them and the life I have. 

I will remember with honor those whose lives were ended early because they heard three little words too late... "You have cancer."

I will fight back for those who can't. 

I will fight so that my kids will never have to know what it is like to hear those words, ever.