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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

My Random, Scattered World... Welcome to it!

I am a mom of two kids... wait, make that three... ok, well four... or it's five. Being a mom of a blended family is very hard.  I have a biological son, a biological daughter, a step-daughter, and a step-step-daughter, and a step-step-son.  Now... does that even make crazy sense? Regardless, I am a mom, and with being a mom I feel as if my life is SO random! More random than it ever has been. I am a coffee-drinking-cookie-baking-homework-helping-dinner-cooking-job-working-dog-walking-craft-building-ADHD-kind of mom. It is like life is ...well life. (A total DUH moment, but instead of me saying it outloud... I just wrote it for the world to read. THIS is what I am talking about.)

So, I decided to be creative and blog about my crazy life. I know, you are thinking... way to go Mel!  Do something unique and original. So as I take another sip of my sarcasm (along with a side of coffee), I will open up this blog by telling you a bit about me.  In future blogs I will write about anything that I can think of because I am totally random. AND I love to cook and do crafty things. So, I am sure there will be recipes on here somewhere that I have tweaked, and random crafts here and there. Maybe my opinion on wine (which the answer is YES, SIR- MAY I HAVE SOME MORE). 

A mom's world is colorful. Sometimes it is the random crayon writing on the wall that colors it... sometimes it is the eight year old boy in your life who wants to play hangman, so you drop what you are doing and his puzzle is, "I love you." Sometimes it is a 14 year old girl who comes to you for advice on boys or to cry over a boy.  Sometimes it is your husband bringing you daisies on a random Tuesday. These are the beautiful colors of mom-dome. These are the moments that make all the crazy worth it.

I met my husband 22 years ago when I went to college.  He was my best friend and I had a super huge crush on him. I know he knew it, but we never did anything about it. He was the sun-in, mullet sportin' kind of guy... I was the geeky girl who was large and in charge. We lost contact with each other after he married someone else. My heart broke, and my 24 year old self wanted to call him and sing "Save the Best for Last" and see if I could persuade him to not marry her but to marry me... but alas, I didn't. I moved to Houston and met my first husband.  We were both overweight, and I should have seen the first clue when it hit me over the head like a boulder... the clue that we shouldn't be together. The moment when he said to me after our first meeting, "I only went out with you guys because I thought your roommate was cute, but you are the one who said yes to a date."  What was I thinking? We are friends now, but we had a marriage that went on a downward spiral.  My ex-husband and I were both grossly overweight when we met, and I feel lilke he settled for me and vice versa.  He was 460 lbs, I was 355 lbs.  We both had weight loss surgery on the same day in 2002. NO ONE ever told us the ramifications of having this surgery outside of how it would change our lives for the better. NO ONE told either of us how horrible the surgery was on a marriage, and that the divorce rate for after the surgery is 80% ish. But, I found that out later. My ex-husband will deny it to his grave, but as we lost weight, he got angry. I am not sure if it was at me, or at the process, or at the fact that people noticed us more. I really don't know. But he moved his food addiction to alcohol and he was a horrible, mean drunk. Our relationship followed the pattern of typical abuse. He would blow up and block me in a room. He would tell me how horrible I was and rage at me. Once I got so scared and upset (I wanted to leave the room) I threw a remote towards him to make him move.  Only to find out that gave him license to hit me.  Then the next day he would apologize and tell me he is going to stop drinking, he will be better. Then we would go through this honeymoon phase. Pretty soon, he was dropping clues that the anger was building up again, and then it would happen. Every time the physical abuse would get worse. I asked him for three years to go to counseling, and finally did.  The outcome? If I said something that made him look bad in the session, I would pay for it. Our marriage ended the night he was drunk and decided to beat my head into the wood floor in our kitchen... after he disconnected the phones and shattered my cell phone. It was the death of the old me and the rebirth of the woman I am today.  My ex-husband lives in Texas and rarely talks to our son.  His choice to move, his choice to not be a part of our son's life. I have forgiven him for his abuse, but I never have to forget it.  You know in church last Sunday our pastor said that in sorrow you can find joy.  I guess I truly believe this. Through the sorrow of my first marriage, I was able to figure out what I wanted out of a partner and I have found joy.

In June of 2010, I went to a ladies night at church and this amazing woman, Barb Dean, spoke about hearts desires and how God can give them to you. You just have to be thankful for it EVEN before you have it. I was a single mom with two children, and I was in a quazi-relationship with Max. Max was very nice and we got along well, but he didn't want kids. He didn't want to get married again, and I thought... maybe he will change. But I was not so sure. So, I wrote out a list of my ideal partner. I thanked God every day for the man who is perfect for me.  Some may call this silly, but it helped me stay focused on what I wanted in life. I always put others before me and this was a time for me to take a stand. I was thankful, and I prayed on that list.

July of 2010, my grandmother passed away, and it was hard on us, because she was such a foundation, a rock for my family. I was with her when she passed away, and as sad as it was, she lives on. I would never trade that moment for anything.  When I was going through her pictures, on the top of the box was a picture of my 19 year old self with my best friend from college, Phillip.  Years have gone by and I always think about him. I put the picture to the side, but I couldn't get him out of my head.  A couple of weeks after my grandmother passed I went on a weekend get away with Max.  That weekend is when he said to me, "Melissa, I love you but I don't know if I could live with you and the kids. Maybe we can get a duplex and share a door."  That was it. He didn't even think of what the MEANING was behind his words. I was done. This is NOT what I wanted out of life. To share a door. Get outta here. Even to this day, it makes me sad, and mad to think I waisted my time falling for someone who didn't want me fully or completely. HE was NOT my list.  We ended it, or well I did.

I continued to pray on my list. Then a dear friend of mine passed away.  He was an amazing man, and had the best advice.  When I divorced my husband, he told me to chase after my dreams.  So, the very next day, I started to search for my best friend from college.  Sure enough, there he was. On FaceBook.  I sent him a friend request and then a note. I knew it was him! I got so excited, because he knows me and I just needed a friend, someone who got me for every odd part of who I am. Someone who cared for me even when I was heavy. My BFF, Phillip, was at lunch with his co-workers when he received my note. He saw it and started to tear up.  His co-workers asked him if he was ok, and he said... it is Melissa. They got upset and wanted to know what SHE did now. He said, not her... it is my best friend from college. I have been looking for her for years... (long story short, his ex-wife and I have the same name. Yeah, I know it is crazy... especially when you are having sex and he says "OH MELISSA" for the first time, you really have to stop and think... is he thinking about HER or me? then you giggle and realize that it must be you. YOU are the hot sexy one. Then, when you realize he loves you, you should never doubt his words.)    We started talking all the time and rebuilding our friendship.  It picked up where it left  off and it was easy.  I went on a trip to Boston with some of my best girls, and I asked them if I could have there permission to date Phillip (because CLEARLY I had done such a GREAT job in the past picking a man) and they gave me their blessing.  Phillip and I went on our first date after that. Phillip has two step children and a daughter.  I have two children and while dating, we lived 4 hours apart. We would travel back and forth to see each other for a weekend. I will never forget having horrible pneumonia and he was at my house for Thanksgiving with his daughter and he took care of me. As he was carressing my forehead he said, "I would rather spend every day of my life doing this versus not having you. Will you marry me?" and without hessitation, I said yes. He is my list. He is everything I dreamed of in a partner. And for that, I am truly blessed.

My kids range in age from 2 to 20.  My son is eight, my daughter is two. My step daughter is my child from another mother. She lives with us and I am her mama, and I love that. My husband's step daughter lives with her mom but visits us often, because my husband is her daddy, and my step son is an adult. He is 20 and lives on his own, I don't know him as well as the other kids.

So, as every day of my life is cluttered and jumbled with activities, cooking, working (I work from home), I remember it is ok.  Organized chaos works. I love my crazy life... and I welcome you to it.

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