Have you ever had a day where you just wanted to say whatever came in your mind during conversations and well... be able to get away with it without any fall back?
I want one of those days... but knowing that there are always repercussions to actions, I will NEVER EVER say the mean things I want to out loud... SO I thought I would take a moment to share those random bitch thoughts with you.
(I used two cuss words already and you are like, Meli--- you had me at shit.... lol)
The random shit I want to say, but I don't....
To the young boy at Wal-Mart with his pants down below his butt:
"Oh honey, I really think you should look in the 'boys' section to get a pair of pants that fit you (these really look way to big) and the underwear section is right there.... they have undies there without the brown stains like yours."
To my child screaming at me in the car....
Me, SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Louder than her....
To the icky old guy at the gym who keeps checking women out and it is just disgusting (after I have done 1.5 hours of cardio/circuit training combo)...
"baby... why you be trippin' up in here lookin' at all these young fine thangs when you can find you some chick more like you, who will take your skanky ass with the lazy eye down at the bingo hall..."
To my husband's ex-wife after she said she was a better person that most:
"Bitch please... fiction is in the next aisle... this is biography."
To my child having a temper tantrum at home over something he/she wanted to do but couldn't (pick your child.. they all do it):
"OH. MY. GOODNESS. I am so overwhelmed by your tantrum because you didn't get your way. If that is how you want to act, just go ahead and do what you want. SAID NO RESPONSIBLE MOM.... EVER. Now, clean the bathroom."
To my teenager at the store in front of the "hot guy":
"Like, OMG, I think that boy is SO HOT for you, KWIM? ROTFLMAO, He is checkin' you out... TTFN, I am outtie... I gotta hit the Preparation H isle."
To anyone who asks me if I understand:
"No. NO COMPREDE INGLES, ASSHOLIO." In a horrible Spanish accent.
When asked by my neighbor if his naughty 7 year old grandson can come and "play" at my house:
"Sure thing dude. I welcome a snot-nosed-asshole-kid-who-isn't-mine-and-I-can't-make-him-clean-if mouthy-because-I-am-fucking-nice-like-that-and-you-look-like-you-need-a-nap...how long have you had THOSE circles under your eyes?"
When asked the following question by anyone--- "do you have a minute?"
"hello no, Cheeto... I gots fahhhhsizzles in muh nizzles."
When asked by someone about Barack Obama:
"Who is she again?"
When told, "Melissa... Your kids are so good...."
"Yes. They are. We started incorporating electric shock therapy last month. It really helps. (then do the electric shock movement with my head, you know when you do the buzz zzzt with your head to one side....you just did it didn't you!)
When asked, "What's for dinner?"
Run around the kitchen.... startled as if the world is ending and say, "I have no idea. Who does the food stuff around here? YOU (shake kid a bit) or YOU (shake the other kid)??" then sit on the floor pretending to pound my fists in the floor saying, "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO US? WE HAVE NO DINNER...."
When one of my kids tells me he/she has to use the restroom...
Stand outside the door and do my impersonation of Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, "Kennith?" (pound pound pound)... "Kennith?" (pound pound pound) until he comes out... neener neener child.... see how it feels to NOT pee in silence.
At Wal-Mart when my 3 year old is screaming for a toy at the check out lane and the cranky old lady mutters under her breath "Just give her the damn toy and she will stop screaming"---
"Hi, I will be happy to buy her the toy so she can be rewarded for being not only NAUGHTY but RUDE. The toy is like $2, but then she can go home with you until she is 18. I am sure this lesson of getting a toy for being naughty will be AWESOME when she is 15 and wants something more expensive."
To my daughter about the boy she is "dating"... when he cancels on her again, or he wants her to walk to his house in the freezing cold instead of him walking here...
"Honey, you deserve better. You deserve a boy who will walk up to your house and back, deal with your crazy family, and still want to be around you. You deserve a boy who will honor his commitment to you regarding a date, versus canceling on you to hang out with his 'boyz'... You deserved to be honored, respected, and loved as much as your dad loves me. I know you are only 15 but don't settle. You are too young and you have way too much to offer to someone."
To my 3 year old when she is crying because her body hurts and she doesn't know why:
"Mommy doesn't know either, but we will figure this out together" as I cry with her.... Usually I try to stay strong and I don't breakdown.
To my 9 year old son when he wants to see his biological dad but cannot:
"Honey, sometimes a child has two dads. One who is a dad and was there when they were born and he still loves you very much and misses you... and one who is here and raises you and tells you every day that you are special. When you are older you will understand more and until then please know that you are loved so much you have two daddies instead of one."
To my husband when he is sad,
"I know I cannot fix everything, and I don't have all the answers. I know I will make mistakes, and vice versa. Of all this I know, I know I love you with all of my being. This will never change... When you signed that marriage certificate you signed your life away pal. You are stuck with me.... FOREVAH."
Have a fantastic week.