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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

365 x 6

So, again it has been forever since I have blogged. Summer vacation has started so the kids are home, and it has been crazy. We went to see my mama over the weekend and my sister and nephews have been visiting. So, it has been an excellent adventure for summer 2012.
I feel like I am pulled to write about abuse.  For those of you who have been following my blog, you know I am a victim of abuse, and as a survivor of this vicious cycle, I want to write about what I know.

There several types of abuse: physical, neglect, emotional, verbal, sexual, physical neglect, exploitation, and medical neglect. Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse are the most predominant. 

I personally am a victim of all three of the most common; I feel the abuse was used by him as a way to control me. Physical abuse is visual… a smack, pinch, shove and one of the worst--- pulling hair.  I cannot tell you how many walls I was thrown into, or how hard a wood floor feels as your head is being pounded into it… but losing my hair from abuse was the worst.  (oh and he said it wasn’t abuse because he didn’t “HIT ME”) Anyway, I had to cut my hair and I lost part of who I was at that time.

I think emotional and verbal abuse is worse.  I can grow my hair back… but I cannot take away the words someone said to me or the way he manipulated me to comply with his request. When I would get upset with my ex-husband (my abuser), he would threaten me. He would accuse me of cheating, he would threaten to take my son from me, twist my words, rage at me and call me some of the most horrible names.  He would do this to get me to respond. If I didn’t--- he would just keep going.  Pretty soon, I never caved. That pissed him off even worse. Then I left.  I told him I wasn’t coming back and when he realized I wasn’t coming back… he told me he would change, he begged… then when I wouldn’t agree, the anger demon would rear its head and he would start raging again. Then he would calm down and try to rationalize his behavior (as if banging someone’s head or hitting them with a shoe can be justified by any words).  He kept me from my family and friends, which was harder than anything… I had NO ONE to run to.

When I finally realized what he was doing was wrong, I was ready to get out and get out fast. I had the economic means (I secretly saved money) and a job and a car. I could do it. I had to be stronger than the threats.  And I got out and stayed out.  When I went to the abused women’s center, I was in a group counseling session and I looked around… most women were not as fortunate as me. Matter of fact, most women went back to their abusers because they had no other means to get out. Nowhere to go but back to the abuse.
That is the hardest thing for me to comprehend.  Abusers don’t change. They get better at the game. So, don’t fall for their lies.  That is how I feel. I fell for the lies for four years before I realized he would never change.
If you or anyone you know is a victim of abuse, reach out to them have them reach out to and advocacy agency in your area to get the support they need.  Help them turn their life from being one of a victim to one of a survivor. Help them (or yourself) change the story.

 Adults who treat children as inferior (or take out their hatred on a child for issues the adult has for the parent of the child) is abusive. I know a grandma who is mean to her granddaughter. WHY? Because she is mad at the granddaughter’s father for what? I don’t know. But she has even gone to the extent of smacking the girl over something the girl didn’t even do YET (concerned about the teen that she is too boy crazy… but instead of talking to her about it, she smacked her and said she would disown her if she got pregnant. WHAT IS THAT?).  Then the grandma wonders why the granddaughter doesn’t want to visit.  Plain and simple: GRANDMA, YOU ARE A BULLY AND AN ABUSER.  I call them like I see them.

 I am talking about abuse, because over the past two weeks I have come to discover a child I love with every part of my being has been abused by someone he trusted and loved… someone he called dad. Someone who was supposed to protect him and love him.  This child has a false sense of love and what a dad is supposed to be. BUT with the help of God, family, friends, and a great role model in his uncle and other men in his life… he will be a great father and man.  The cycle will be broken.My heart breaks for him as he tells me what happened.  He was hit with a slipper (Err, shoe people… a slip on sneaker) and was in terror, but he was emotionally abused as well.  Left behind at home in his room for hours while the man went to do other things (the child is in grade school), always made to feel inferior to the other child in the man’s life. Never quite feeling like he would ever be loved by that man as much as the other child or mean as much.  He felt invisible.

 Children FYI do not plan on being in this world, they are a blessing and we, as adults, have the honor of raising them.  We set the bar for their lives, their successes.  So why would any adult ever tell a child or treat a child inferior to others in the same house? I just don’t understand.  I have my step daughters and I treat them as if they are my own. THEY are my blessings. They were my special gift when I married my husband and by golly I take my job as their step-mom seriously. I try to impart wisdom on them, do special things with them to let them know by my actions they are important to me and how much I love them.  NEVER would I make them feel anything less than special.

So why title this 365 x 6? Because the child I love who has recently talked about his abuse opened up to Phillip and I. While in the car with Phillip (a school teacher) a few days ago he asked, what is 365 x 6.  So Phillip went into teacher mode and diligently worked to help the child solve the problem. The answer is 2,190.  Then Phillip asked the boy why… the boy replied… that is how many days of my life my “dad” has been mean to me. As I write this I cry. That is a lot of days considering the child has only been alive for a little less than 3650 days. Most of his life he has been abused and his abuse was under the radar, because his abuser would abuse the child when his mom wasn't there.

 If you or someone you know is a victim of abuse… FIGHT BACK. Break the cycle. Change a life.

 Here is a pie chart I use to determine if abusive behavior is being used. If you or someone you love can say… that’s me… call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233).

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