I feel like I am not enough.
Maybe it is just today, maybe it has been the past month... but I FEEL inadequate.
You may know me and say, Melissa... get out of here, you are a great mom and you have an awesome career... Yes. These things are true. But I feel lacking. I feel like I am not enough for the people in my life. Normally I don't feel this way, it is just a wave of insufficiency. LOL That is what I am going to call it.
"Hey, Melissa... how are you doing?"
"Ah, I am OK. Just going through a wave of insufficiency but it will be better."
HAHAHA, OK. That is my sick sense of humor.
It is partly how I just feel internally if I cannot do more, give more, be more.
I am quite sad, actually.
And I am not asking for a pity party or for anyone to feel sorry for me, I am just putting it out there because I KNOW I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO GOES THOUGH THIS WAVE OF INSUFFICIENCY.
How many of you have ever let this feeling of being "not enough" for those around you, take a hold of you and just eat at you from the core of your being. It is hard to focus on the positive and grab a "happy take away" from any situation.
I mean, this week at work I had a LOT of successes. But, I also had one failure. And really it isn't so bad considering the circumstances, however the other party involved kept on trying to blame everyone and everything else for why they didn't succeed and I took on that sadness. I let myself get caught up in the bad aspects of her failure and I couldn't see past it. I love my job a lot. I love seeing my student's achieve success. Sometimes it is not in the cards for everyone and in this case, I felt badgered over a failure and I had no control over the failure. BUT, who was badgering me more? My student or myself? I have come to the conclusion that if I wouldn't have been at such a low point emotionally I wouldn't have been bothered by it, but I was truly bothered. I did it to myself.
And then there are my kids. I feel with one of them in particular, because I am her step-mom I will never be enough. Anything I do, or even make for dinner is never good enough. I am not good enough. I have to really just realize that and not base my happiness on that. This weekend has been very hard for me (blame it on the full moon) but the kids have taken an emotional toll on me, I have been crying in the shower. They aren't listening (the little ones) and the older ones just treat me as if I don't matter.
Then there is my husband. I love him dearly and I just want affection from him and a conversation about ANYTHING. I have been taking check at how many times people ask me how I am doing lately, and REALLY care about the answer to the question... and to be honest... it is not a lot. I am stuck in a house all day working BY MYSELF and I hardly ever get out of the house during the week, unless I am carting a child to an activity or getting out to the gym (which hasn't been a lot... maybe that is why I feel inadequate)... I need social interaction (and believe me, it is not cub scouts, no offense to those who offered me the position of DEN LEADER last night, but no). I want more social interaction with MY HUSBAND. BUT I have NOTHING to talk about. I work. I raise kids. I cook. I clean. I volunteer.
I sound so sad. And it may be a bit exaggerated but when you are clearly in this "wave" you get really down. And it is hard to pull yourself out... and let's face it. WHY ARE YOU WAITING FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT FOR YOU? SNAP THE HELL OUT OF IT AND GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
Ok, that was more for me than you but if the message fits...
How will I fix it...
First, I will go to the gym every day. I feel better when I exercise.
Second, I will just start to make dinners at night and not take it too personally when someone or someones don't eat it.
Third, I will try to laugh more, and try to get out of the house during the work day, even if it is to go outside my house. WAIT, I will schedule in my workout at my gym then. THAT's an IDEA!
Fourth, I will try and get enough sleep. I have been staying up til past midnight and getting up at six thirty every day. Maybe I need more sleep.
I need to try and be in the moment more with those I love. Maybe the reason why I feel inadequate and why they are not talking to me is because I am not being an active listener.
I need to sing more. I don't sing a lot anymore and for those of you who really know me, know my love for singing. Even if in my car, I shall sing. At the top of my lungs.
I want respect from my kids. Maybe I should show them respect and then they will give it in return.
THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER THINGS I CAN LIST BUT THIS IS A GREAT STARTING POINT.
So, heart on sleeve. Who else is in this boat with me? Are any of you feeling a bit inadequate lately? Thinking you should be more? Wondering WHY no one listens to you or respects you? Wondering why you keep having this "wave of insufficiency- party of one"?
Here is the reality. YOU are enough. Don't sit there and think that you aren't valuable. You are. You have to believe it first and then others will see it in you. Maybe I (err, WE) should change our perspective and start seeing ourselves as having the value others see in us.
I know I can get there...I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel...
Melissa-
ReplyDeleteThe first thing I learned in abuse coucelling at age 19 was that it wasn't me failing - it was the people who should love and protect me failing. They taught me I.A.L.A.C. I Am Lovable And Capable. I started writing the initials on my mirror every morning and telling it to myself every day. You know what I am like - you met me about 18 yrs after that start of change. You know that I don't blame me for what the people in my life are doing, I blame me for not taking action sooner than I have. You, as a mom, are doing what all moms do- you feel you HAVE to be Super Mom. Guess What? Forget the cleaning! Dance with your daughter. Get take out! Order your food list from PeaPod and spend the grocery shopping time playing a game with the kids. And Step Kids are always hard - it isn't YOU - I went throught this - maybe I forgot to tell you - and I did blame myself a bit when Gregory got addicted to drugs in an effort to get his mother's and Father's attention - but it wasn't really my fault - he was really mad that I was the one HELPing him, offering him love, when his respective parents wouldn't - so out of his guilt in needing that love/help from me, he would lash out at me because I WAS THE ONLY ONE LISTENING. They feel guilt for needing you and like they are betraying their "true" parent for having LOVE back at you for CARING about them. It means, you ARE having a positive impact on their lives, and while their response is negative and primative, it is due to the hurt the "Parent" caused them - no you!
As women, there is so much aggression, pressure, attention to all that we are "supposed" to be.
Guess what, my dear friend??? Tell those steriotypical requirement assholes to F' OFF and Live Your Life Happy without the need to blame yourself that the laundry wasn't all done and neatly folded, the whole house wasn't cleaned spotlessly, you don't work with jerks who would rather blame everyone else and not take their own blame... You ARE NOT Donna Reed to have EVERYTHING done and STILL greet your husband at the door with a Martini in your perfectly coiffed, dressed, and make-upped Person! You Are You - a wonderful person, VErY Funny and you are EXPECtIng way too much from yourself! It is extra hard because we as women push ourselves harder at the holidays to keep it all tohether. IT IS NOT AlL YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! Write that on your mirror!
One thing a spine injury has taught me is that sometimes, it is OK that I can't vaccum, or do all the dishes. I AM Human! So ARE YOU!
And I Love you. Seriously love you, for all the good and funny things you are. You are my friend.
So stop the Donna Reed ting and live each moment as if it was your last - something else I learneed from being dead and coming back at 27. You only go thru life once - Enjoy all you have while yOu have it.
Love ya -
Your ADHD friend currently in NJ.