My Love Letters From God--- Encouragement From "Anonymous"

The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of sorts, or maybe a roller coaster, or maybe a combination of both. I have tried to just move on trying not to think too much about what has happened, and I have thrown myself back into real life activities with my kids, home, and work.  I started planning meals again and experimenting with recipes… School starts on Tuesday, I started being more active with the kids and getting out of the house.

I honestly think I couldn’t have gone through this life changing event and deal with the issues brought with it without my wonderful family and amazing friends.  Tomorrow I go to see the cardiologist to discuss the heart stuff, which so far has been treatable with medication, but we may want to look at something more long term. Right now, the medication can only do so much. I found myself on a little hike with the kids today at the park and feeling chest pain. UGH. Anyway, as I digress… tomorrow is a day I am a wee bit nervous about.

So, with that said, while I was at my weakest, right after my hospital stay in Sioux City- I received some encouraging words from “anonymous” but I know it was a friend from Sioux City (based off of the post mark) and I knew who it was based off of handwriting (dear friend, I know your handwriting like my own, we are like besties, KWIM?).

She knows my religious beliefs and she knew in her heart and soul that my faith was being rocked by this roller coaster of events.  And she sent me Bible verses to stand on.  Verses about giving up my fear, burdens, and anxiety to God. Let go and let God take over. It was something I have been saying all along, but seeing it in my friend’s writing helps me actually do it. I see the verses daily and try to put them into practice and put my faith back to where it should be… with HIM. I am not in charge of what happens in this life, HE is.

I am at peace with whatever comes in the future. “Come to me all that are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28-29

I find comfort in the words my friend has sent me out of the Bible, and she sent them as if she knew it was my heart’s need.  I am putting the Bible verses in a collage to keep with me always as a reminder.  A reminder of what the Word says and how much I am loved by my friend, enough that she would take her time (she not only works, but she has 4 kids for cry eye) and send me these “love notes” so to speak from God.

As children we have many friends in school who we think we will retain for the rest of our lives, and unfortunately--- viewing this from a 40 year olds perspective--- this is not true. We retain only a small portion of those people as friends, and really they are mostly acquaintances. In my life, I have a lot of acquaintances, people who I am “friends” with but we are not close… they do not know my heart and what wears on it--- that is for a few select people, because my heart has been broken way too many times.  

Ms. A, you are one of those friends. One I know will always be there for me no matter what and you know the road works both ways.  We have been through a lot together, bad marriages, burning old love letters to get rid of the exes, dancing all night until we couldn’t wear our shoes, having pizza and nail painting parties on Thursday night while watching Grey’s, to church, to listening… really listening to each other and knowing how to read the signals for when we are each faltering.  You catch me before I fall, and I catch you.

Today we both have amazing husbands and great families and even though the miles keep us apart, we are still there for each other.  Only you could have sent me the words I needed to heal and move forward.

I wish everyone in life could have a girlfriend like Ms. A, someone who just gets you… loves you as a friend for who you are (quirks and all), who will pretend to be your lesbian lover when hit on by an old man who owns a bar(OH MY GOSH, remember he sent me that teddy bear with chocolate? LOL), will help you deal with the psychotic episodes with an ex, will play Chinese fire drill just for fun because the light turned red and there are cars everywhere, will stay up late at night and drink coffee and make omelets. Someone who will just come over and spend the night because they know you need them.

I encourage you, dear reader to reach out to your Ms. A in your life.  Tell her (him) how much they mean to you, because maybe they don’t know how much they have impacted your life, and this life is short.  Take time out to let them know that they have helped build you into the person you are today. 

To Ms. A, I love you like a sister, and I still cannot believe how lucky I am to have you in my life.  No one else would get this, but the mere fact that you just “happen” to walk in the restroom at church as I was having my meltdown and just stood there, loved on me and gave me Kleenex says it all.  No words needed, the compassion you have is measured beyond words.  Thank you for the flowers at the hospital, visiting me while I was drugged outta my mind  in my hospital room, and sending me the love letters from God. YOU are one of the precious gifts He has given me. I am honored to have you as a friend. Love you more than peanut butter. J

Recipe Time- Easy Chicken Parmesan

I wanted to make an easy chicken parmesan for my family tonight after the kids and I went back and forth with different recipes we wanted to try.  Instead of making the intense, from scratch sauce, I decided this time to use a few short cuts by using sauce I purchased at the farmer's market instead of making my own.

We served our chicken parmesan with homemade garlic bread and a Cesar salad.

Ingredients:

3 chicken breasts pounded out and cut in half (we are believers in smaller portions versus larger portions)

Garlic, fresh ground sea salt, pepper rubbed into chicken breasts and marinated in the refrigerator for 1 hour (OR if you are in Iowa, you can buy the garlic seasoned chicken breasts from the meat counter at Hy-Vee, they work just as well)

¾ cup of Italian seasoned bread crumbs

¾ cup freshly shredded parmesan cheese

1 large egg

2 tablespoons grape seed oil (garlic infused is what I use from Wild Tree or you can use 2 tablespoons of olive oil)

1 jar of Galassi Sweet Tomato Basil sauce (http://www.galassifoods.com/ )--- honestly my favorite pasta sauce if I don't have time to make it from scratch. One of the bestest sauces and it goes with my new "shop" local philosophy.  Galassi can be found at the Cedar Rapids Farmer's Market (this Saturday, folks) online at the website above or in your local Hy-Vee.

6 slices of mozzarella cheese

Angel hair pasta

¼ cup of butter

Garlic to taste

Directions:

1)      Preheat oven to 425 degrees

2)      Lightly spread ½ of sauce into the bottom of a baking dish

3)      Whisk egg into a shallow bowl set aside

4)      Combine Italian seasoned bread crumbs and parmesan cheese into a shallow container

5)      Place the grape seed oil into a large non-stick pan over and heat on medium

6)      Coat each piece of chicken in egg, then dredge in bread crumb/parmesan coating

7)      Place chicken in pan and brown on both sides, once browned place in pasta sauce lined pan

8)      Add the remaining sauce to the top of chicken and place 1 slice of mozzarella cheese on top of each piece of chicken (I love my cheese, you could also keep this lighter and use shredded)

9)      Bake for 30 minutes or until done

While chicken is cooking prepare pasta according to package.  Toss pasta with butter and garlic to taste.

Serve with chicken and small sauce on top of warm pasta

Serves 6

Grandma... What Does that Word Mean?

I shouldn’t have to do any disclaimers for my opinion on matters of the heart—this is my blog for cry eye, but if I hurt your feelings about my post today, then maybe you should take a step back and look at how other’s actions affect those around you. Maybe take a moment to even step outside yourself to see how actions can hurt others.

Now, with that preface… I really love my mother.  It wasn’t until after I met another person’s mother whom I am very close with that I learned to appreciate my own mama as a human being.  One thing: my mom loves me unconditionally.  And, she loves my kids unconditionally whether they are mine by birth or by marriage.  My mom makes a point to spend time with each of my babies (both young and old) and makes sure they each feel special when they visit.  She takes them for special birthday shopping trips and she loves on them. Man, does she love on them.  She gives them hugs and reassurance, things that kids these days need.  I witnessed this very thing the last time we were visiting her. While I was in the hospital she made sure my kids were ok and she told them I would be ok. She was there for them.

I don’t think I can say that about all grandmas out there.  My heart aches for my Maddy and Kennith to the point where I want to cry.  I realize that not all grandmas are like my mama and that some are very different. However, the situation I am in is just… bat shit crazy in my humble opinion.  My husband’s mother doesn’t recognize my kids as part of her family.  She makes a point to not include us in any activity… and she will go to the extent of saying it is because of us, all over a situation in which she disowned my husband and told him he was no longer part of her family (we weren’t even around and it was over a situation in which we weren’t even a part of, but he got the brunt of it)… then last  spring, she sent him a plant at school and said that spring was a time for new beginnings, however she never apologized for her behavior. She always behaves this way, and is enabled by others to act this way and she thinks it is acceptable. At some point, as a grown-up we have to put our tail between our legs and say sorry…but from the time my husband was a child, she has always been this way, very vengeful as a mother. I just wonder if she missed out on nurturing 101, or maybe she replaced that class with martyr 101 along with passive-aggressive 100.

BACKGROUND: When we got married, she made snide comments to me on the way to our wedding. She told me that she didn’t know if her brothers would approve of me. My comment back was that I had a resume with salary history I would be happy to show them. I don’t honestly think she thought what she said ON MY WEDDING DAY was even wrong. She then looked at my wedding set (which I love and it is perfect for me) and asked me if my husband got it at the second hand store. I laughed it off, but I wanted to cry…I refused to let her see me cry. But this is the behavior we deal with all the time from her, which is what lead us (as the adults) to not have contact with her on a regular basis.  As for the kids, it is their decision whether they want to do things with her or not, we don’t hold them back. Matter of fact we are supportive of their relationship with her.

What makes me sad is that this woman will take all of her other grandkids (step-grandkids included) besides Kennith and Madelynn to do special things. To the mall to get school supplies, over to her house for ice cream… to Planet  X for games and ice cream, to Adventureland, to the pool for quality time…basically everywhere while Kennith and Madelynn sit on the side lines. Now, do I want them to go with her? NO, probably not… but at the same time, feelings can get hurt. Kennith specifically because he is old enough to understand that he is left out on their “family” functions and he feels as if he is not part of that family. Even when all of the grandkids go out to the farm with my husband’s father… they all go except for Kennith and Madelynn.  Maddy is too young, but why can’t Kennith go? One of my nieces is younger than Kennith and she goes all the time. It might be nice to extend an invitation ONCE to him just because you love him, not because you feel forced to do so… as for Madelynn? Madelynn is still too young to get it…but someday she will.  Someday she will know (like Kennith) that she is just not good enough for that “grandma”.

Which leads me to this… how do I handle this? The “grandma” in question tends to twist everything and if I would have a conversation with her, she would turn it back on me and make me the evil one (which is fine, I guess--- maybe someone has to call her out because she fabricates some version of her truth to her family that is nowhere near the actual truth).

Or maybe I just keep quiet. I have a quiet resolve with her, but tonight she pissed me off.  She took “her grandkids” to Planet X and Kennith watched them leave out of the drive way broken hearted.  When I finished work, we went to get pizza (Kennith, Maddy and I) and when we pulled up in the drive “grandma” pulled in behind us and got out of her car. I rushed Kennith and Maddy in the house because I didn’t want them to be hurt AGAIN by her actions… Then she asked me how I was doing, my answer… “Just great thanks.” And that was it. I walked in the door. She does not deserve to know my health status nor anything else about my life. She wrote me off when she wrote of my husband, myself, Kennith, and Madelynn. 

I don’t have room in my life  (nor do Kennith and Madelynn) for someone who is a vampire friend. You know the people who are nice to your face while they suck the life out of you. She is a vampire relative. I have made amends with the fact that she chose to exclude Kennith, Madelynn, and myself from her life… and I look at the pictures from previous weekends with my mom and  I see a grandma who deserves the title. With a smile on her face that beams with joy and excitement for the grandkids she has. Someone who isn't afraid to be silly and crazy with them. This is who I want to pattern my life after. This is what I want my kids to see as a grandma role model.  

So when the “grandma” in question comes over to get the other kids for an adventure… I will make sure that Kennith and Madelynn know how much they are loved and we will do something special together…like make dinner together, or reading a story in crazy voices, or going to the park... for they know love cannot be bought.  Love and the title of grandma is earned....

Weekend Adventure- More than Anticipated

With just a few weekends left before school starts, Phillip and I thought we would take the kids on a little adventure to see my mama, have a BBQ at my cousin Ted’s house (little did Phillip know we had a surprise early 40^th birthday shin-dig ready for him at Ted’s), and hit the Omaha Zoo before going back home.  Sounds like a blast!

However this “MAGICAL” weekend turned into hell in a hand basket rather quickly. This two day quick visit has turned into five days of pure insanity….

Let me rewind to Friday, August 3^rd at 5 pm central time… The Wenndt’s are packed up in the SUV and FINALLY on the road.  We have a 5 hour drive to my mamas.  I survey all around… DVDs? CHECK.  Kids? CHECK. DSi? CHECK. DRINKS? CHECK. BOOKS? CHECK. CELL PHONE CHARGERS? CHECK. COMPUTER? CHECK.  PHILLIP? CHECK.  We are ready to roll.  And as I lean back in my chair, while flipping my sunglasses off my head over my eyes, I am relaxed and ready for this weekend after the busy week I just had.

On the drive, we decided to check into a hotel in Sioux City for Friday and Saturday night… we wanted the kids to have a pool to swim in and a breakfast sounded delightful.  SO, I went to my go-to app for travel--- Priceline.com.  I booked us a room with two queen beds in a non-smoking room at a hotel with a hot breakfast buffet (FREE) and a pool.  I felt a sense of accomplishment as we drove.  The confirmation said, guaranteed late check in, so we decided to swing by my mama’s house before the hotel to say hi and make plans for Saturday.

After checking in with my mama, we went over to the hotel. Phillip runs in and then comes out. He says, THEY HAVE NO ROOMS AVAILABLE.  I was like, what? We have already paid for our rooms, and we were guaranteed a late check in. So, I go into the hotel with Phillip. It is now a few minutes after midnight.  The young man behind the desk told us he couldn’t do anything to help us.  NOTHING. I was like, you have GOTTA be kidding me. He couldn’t get ahold of his boss after several tries, and then he said he would call Priceline but it would take too long. UM, HELLO? We have kids, it is now midnight-thirty and you have no room for us when we were GUARANTEED a room.  So, I called Priceline and sat in the lobby.  At 2:15 am (yes, still in the lobby, still on the phone with Priceline and no hotel room), Phillip and I decided to drive the kids to get a bite to eat. Long story short, we drove the wrong way on an one way –in front of the POPO---- we explained what happened and one of Sioux City’s finest escorted us to the Taco Bell (now, I write this and laugh. Could you imagine being drunk in the Taco Bell drive in when the POPO  showed up? LOL)… Anyway, I am on the phone and Priceline didn’t want to assume responsibility for the mess up and the poor kid behind the desk at the hotel didn’t even know what to do. FINALLY after much pressure from us, we finally got a room at 5 am at the Hilton.  Why couldn’t this rep with Priceline (who said she was empowered and denied me the right to speak with her supervisor, fyi) offer us the hotel in the beginning?  She couldn’t answer me. My guess? The price difference- we will NEVER USE PRICELINE AGAIN.

Don, Ted, Mama, Becky

After 5 hours of sleep we got up and headed out to Ted’s house for a nice BBQ. It was fun, and it felt great to be around family.  We ate, played some volleyball, ate (and thanks to Ted I now know how to make killer guacamole--- maybe that will be my next blog? --- gosh, I am random thought girl). We surprised Phillip with a cake and gifts! We then went back to the hotel and swam then Ted, Don, Phillip and I went out for a drink and saw some friends.  A great night!

Birthday boy! (EARLY)

Sunday my mom, Kennith, Madelynn, and I went to church while Phillip, Serina and Alex slept.  While at church, I was singing (one of my favorites… You are holy, holy, holy…) anyway I was having chest pain AGAIN and having a hard time breathing. So I stopped singing and listened.  And I watched the new born baby right in front of me coo.  (Now this is an evil joke by satin to throw pregnant women and babies at me everywhere, I know--- and I cry a little and then I just look at the baby, how beautiful.) After church we all went to lunch and met up with Phillip and the girls.  After lunch we took the teens shopping for school clothes (let me tell you… the styles these days… again, I digress, maybe another blog sometime? LOL)… While shopping my chest started to pound and I was light headed.  Then we got to my mom’s house and as I was sitting there I thought I was going to pass out.  Phillip took me to the ER on Sunday at 6 pm and today (Tuesday at 11:55 pm central) I am still in the hospital.

It appears that I have irregular angina and for the rest of my life I will have to be on a beta blocker, nitro when needed, and two inhalers (to combat the asthma I will get from the beta blocker), but I will be here. I don’t know to what extent I can exercise… but I will be here. Right now they are not releasing me from the hospital because they cannot reduce the pain with medication, and I cannot take the nitro because my blood pressure is too low to take it. So I sit and wait. I cannot tell you how horrible the pain is when my heart spasms, (the angina) but it hurts so bad and I just want to cry.  This all started happening after the horrible reaction to the medication after my D&C.  I wonder…  Did my angel baby prevent me from having a heart attack early in life? Without the reaction to the medication, I would have never known about this medical issue. Anyway, I won’t know until I meet her in heaven.  It is something to think about considering the events.  

So there it is.  A trip gone awry in the sense that we didn’t go to the zoo.  We are still in Sioux City… and waiting… Playing cards, laughing… hugging each other a bit tighter… waiting to get back to normalcy.  Ah, normal? WHAT IS THAT?? I mean, to get back to us.

Recipe Time! Bacon-Ranch-Cheese Potato Yummies

So, I again dreamed of this yummy potato side dish after surfing Pinterest for HOURS the other day (really, who thought of this marvel? Visual crack is what I call it)... Anyway... I decided to try to make my potato dream come to life.  I made some bacon ranch cheese potato yummies and MAN were they good! 



Ingredients for potatoes:
Bacon (three slices fried and crumbled)
Colby Jack cheese  (1 cup grated)
Garlic powder (1/4 teaspoon)
Ranch powder (1 tablespoon)
Sea salt (to taste)
Grape seed oil infused with garlic (can also use olive oil--- 1 tablespoon)
Three potatoes (cleaned and sliced into 1/8 inch rounds)





Ingredients for ranch dipping sauce:
1/2 cup of sour cream
3 table spoons of ranch powder



Directions for dipping sauce:
1) combine sour cream and ranch powder, stirring until fully blended.
2) place in refrigerator to set while preparing the potatoes.

Directions for potatoes:

1) Preheat oven to 375.

2) Boil potatoes with a dash of salt in water for 5 minutes or until tender.

3) Remove potatoes, and place them on a paper towel to dry (pat top to dry as well).

4) Lightly brush a layer of grape seed oil on the bottom of a cookie sheet.

5) Place potatoes on cookie sheet, slightly overlapping

6) Lightly brush remaining grape seed oil over the top of the potatoes.

7) Sprinkle garlic, salt, and ranch over the top of the potatoes

8) Place potatoes in oven for 8 minutes to cook and crisp up a bit

9) remove potatoes from oven and sprinkle with cheese, and bacon crumbles (you could add green onions too).

10) Bake for 10 minutes or until cheese is bubbly.

11) Remove from oven and let sit for 3-5 minutes to cool.

12) Serve with ranch sour cream dipping sauce.

This ended up being one of the best sides we have ever created at the Wenndt house!  The next time, I may try to cook the potatoes a bit longer to get them a bit crisper but they were gone in no time!

Time Spent = Love

So many times during the summer or on the weekend the kids are always wanting to know what we are going to do next.  Sometimes this is overwhelming because I look at my bank account and think... we went to the movies yesterday, and out to dinner... the day before we had to run to the mall (with three kids, mind you), and they day before that we just enrolled Kennith in summer camp for a week... This mama ain't got no more "entertainment" money. BUT what I fail to understand is that they just want to spend time with us (Phillip and I).

So, I am on a mission for the remainder of summer break to do something with my kids each day, and to do something "cheep" or free. 

Hummm....  Have bikes? CHECK  Have pool passes? CHECK  Have items to pack snacks and lunch? CHECK Have sneakers? CHECK Have imagination? OH LORD I HOPE. LOL

Yesterday Kennith, Alex, and I went on an amazing bike ride.  Eventhough it felt like 12 miles, it was only 6, but we biked for a long time and our legs hurt (and to be honest, my back hurts so bad today because I am such a weakling. LOL)

I am now trying to plan different things to do with them that will be cost effective and fun.

Farmer's markets... I love the farmer's market in Cedar Rapids. Always fun to walk around, try some samples, and dance or listen to the live music.  This is one low cost event, and we tend to have breakfast there (we go to the omelet place by the park, um wicked good I tell you...). It is every other Saturday in the morning... get their EARLY for the best produce! For more information: http://www.downtowncr.org/Content/Farmers-Market.aspx

Bike rides... there are so many great bike trails in the Cedar Rapids area that we need to start taking advantage of these great trails.  Pack some water and a snack and we are golden.

Picnic... go on an old fashioned picnic.  I am thinking about taking the kids out to Morgan Creek one night and hiking and having dinner out there.  It would be a great time for us to get some exercise, reconnect and enjoy nature.

Splash pads... these are FREE! FREE I tell you! Why not grab some snacks and water and spend the day at the splash pad.  Make sure to bring sunscreen, but it is a great way to spend time with your kids... OH and this mom's rule? YOU (mom I am talking to you) have to get in that water and splash around like you are 10. Just do it!

Pools... we have pool passes, so they are in theory free, right? Why not spend the day at a pool.  We tend to go to the same pool all the time, so I think we are going to do some pool jumping... I am setting a goal for the Wenndts to try EVERY pool in Cedar Rapids before school starts.

Uptown Marion Concerts on Thursday nights/ Granger Museum... these can be fun, but LOUD! Be prepared for some noise people! calendar: http://uptownmarion.com/calendar.html

Take a drive out to the Amana Colonies and look at the buildings, walk around and talk about Amana history?? I think so (I may even grab a bottle of wine or two...lol)

There are a ton of local resources out there that have a lot of free or low cost activities for you to spend time with the kiddos. 

So with that, I must go clean my bedroom (as this is a task each child is doing at the moment).  After that, it is lunch and off for an adventure. Today I think it is the pool.... AND today, I will go on water slides and play games with the kids, instead of sitting on the sidelines... making sure they are all safe. I will play with them. Be in the moment.  Enjoy this time I have. 

Be Blessed!

One Week = Progress Made

A week after my “sad," well rather heartbreaking blog, I am just following up.  Today I am getting my last iron infusion out of six at the cancer center.  It was hard coming up here, because I am here every six months for six weeks to get my infusion, and the nurses here are like friends. Today they were like, “how are you feeling?” Me realizing they don’t know about what happened last week.  I said I was feeling fine and one gal asked me how the baby was doing, and I looked at her and I said that the baby transitioned to heaven last Thursday. What am I supposed to say? I tried not to cry, I tried to hold it together and I think I did very well.  I just had a few tears in my eyes as I talked to her about it.

What I didn’t realize a week ago is that when I was in the recovery and bleeding heavily (sorry that is gross) and they gave me the medication to stop it, my chest started to hurt (like someone was taking a rubber band and squeezing it so tight I couldn’t think, breath… get comfortable)… I thought that was it… but the doctors told my husband that I could be having a heart attack.  What was supposed to be a one hour procedure has now been two hours. They left my husband alone… to think… to worry… left him with… “Your wife is having a heart attack” in his mind.  They gave me the medication to stop the pain (Nitro) and it worked.  They monitored my heart all night and did tests, and today I can thankfully say that I didn’t have a heart attack, there was no damage to my heart what-so-ever.  With that said, I still have residual effects from the medication (Methergrine) and I am still having pain in my chest and it is hard to breath, but the doctor said it will take a week or so to fully get out of my system.

I have been so wrapped up in my own pain, my own hurt, my own WHY did this happen to me… that I didn’t stop to think that much about what my husband went through as well.  It happened to US. We have talked about it, and he was amazing and so strong as we went through the procedure last week and the hospital stay.  He told me that there was something wrong with the baby and the baby is in heaven living well versus struggling on this earth, which is what I needed to hear. But, I never once stopped to really think about the pain he went through. I mean, I thought he was hurt, but I never stopped to walk in his shoes… that was until yesterday and today.

Last night we talked again and he talked with me about what he went through during that time.  The doctor walked into the waiting room.  Phillip was told I would be out of recovery in 30 minutes after the procedure but he had been sitting there for over an hour, getting antsy. When the doctor finally came to talk with him, he looked pale and disclosed to Phillip that I was having a reaction to the medication and that my heart and arteries were contracting and that I was in the process of having a heart attack. He then left. He left Phillip alone; alone with his thoughts.  After I talked with him last night, I felt the fear he experienced.  Last Thursday night he sat there after the doctor left and processed everything the doctor told him.  On that Thursday not only did he lose a baby, but the doctor just told him he could lose his wife.  Losing his wife means he also loses the two children from her that he is the daddy to.  So if something were tragically going to happen he would have lost the baby, me, Kennith, and Madelynn.  Too much to risk.  My mom said that Phillip called her and wanted to know why I would be taken from him when he just found me. My mom said that I wouldn’t be taken, and that I would be ok, but she came from Sioux City to Cedar Rapids to be with us. At that time, I didn’t know why… but I know why now and I am thankful for her visit.

Earlier this week I kept asking Phillip if we should try to have another baby. I know we didn’t plan on having one, but as we progressed through the pregnancy, we became attached and were excited about having a new addition to our family (and scared, who wouldn’t be). He said he would wait to talk about it later.  I now know why he would prefer not to try. I understand, because what if the roles were reversed? What it if was HIM who was going through the heart stuff and I was on the other end. I couldn’t even imagine life without him… he is my lobster (did anyone else see that “FRIENDS” episode?)--- I have waited all my life for him. He is my best friend, my lover, my partner, my business associate, my husband, the father to my children, someone I look up to, the person I have to snuggle to go to bed… he completes my life. If I were to lose him, I would lose my teenagers too. I cannot live my life without my girls. They are my family, my heart, my joy as much as Kennith and Madelynn are.

So, we probably are not going to try for a baby. As much as that hurts right now to say, it is too risky, based on the medication and the reaction after the D&C.  I want to spend many years loving my husband and my kids. I want to be there when they graduate from high school, graduate from college, get married, have babies… I want to be there. I chose to be there.  I want to be there every day, for as long as I can.

Just look at this moment… I desire more moments like this. This lady is not giving up hope... for I have just begun a new....