Transition Time for Maddy

Isn’t it crazy how fast our kids grow up? I look at Madelynn and I think that it was just a week ago she was born and yesterday where she and I were rocking in the chair watching bad daytime TV while I was on maternity leave… but it was three years ago.

I cannot believe that she is three already and so grown up.  For those of you who know our Maddy, you know she is spunky, silly, and she acts older than her three years.  She has a strong command of the English language.  My favorite saying of hers right now is, “Well actually…” When she is explaining something she starts off her sentences that way and she uses all kinds of hand gestures... lol---it makes me smile.

We did one of the hardest things a parent can do yesterday.  Yesterday we had to tell Kathy, Maddy’s day care provided, that in two weeks Maddy would be going to preschool.  (It was hard to tell her, but I think Kathy took it just fine.) This was such a hard decision for us, because Maddy is only three; however her birthday is in July.  She will start kindergarten a month after she turns five so we want to give her the best advantage in school as we possibly can.  Maddy will be going from an in-home day care with four children to an actual school where there will be 15 children in the same class. I am a nervous mommy and we haven’t even started school yet.

Blessings come in all forms.  Our blessing:  a pre-school opening was available at the school my husband teaches at. So Maddy gets to ride to school with Phillip and ride home with him.  He will be in the same building with her every day.  A true blessing to know he is just upstairs from her.

So, I am excited.  Our party dress with sneakers little girl starts school in August...*DEEP SIGH* Who has two thumbs is a bit misty and nervous? THIS GIRL... Anyway, we finish her enrollment in pre-school today, and I love the teachers there.  A new chapter in our precious Maddy’s life… I can’t wait to read the next chapter!

Have a blessed day!

A New Dawn

I would be lying if I said the past few days haven’t been hard… they have been very hard for both my husband and I. 

Everywhere I go I see pregnant people and babies. I am sure my sadness surrounding my own loss will go away eventually, or fade… but for now, it is still there. I can close my eyes and see the ultrasound, hear the tech.

With that said, there have been a lot of sweet moments --- a lot of funny moments! 

Saturday we went to the farmer’s market. Enjoyed some time with my mom, my sister (Sarah), Izzy, Phillip, Maddy and Kennith--- ate a lot of food! Izzy, Maddy and Kennith enjoyed fried Oreos (they smelled funky to me) and then an omelet for breakfast. Yea, I was in that kind of mood to give them fried Oreos at 9 am followed by a 9:30 am breakfast… every once in a while that is ok.  Sarah and I found this awesome piece of artwork… we each bought one for our husbands. (I say husbands--- Sarah and Scott get married next Saturday… Close enough, right?)

I also got some of the tastiest guacamole from the vendor from Iowa City.  Um, I usually buy the small container, but they only had the large… I was worried about it being eaten --- um, by Sunday afternoon the bucket was DUN GONE.   I love walking around the farmer’s market. Saw a couple of friends, my sister in law… but mostly, I was with people who didn’t know the tragic events of the two days before. I could enjoy my kids and not get the pity look. 

Artwork purchased---- engraved brick--- LOVE IT! 

Saturday afternoon I watched my husband, Alex, and my father in law take down a tree in our yard. (AND MY HEART JUMPED A FEW FEET OUT OF MY CHEST EVERY TIME A BIG LIMB CAME DOWN) You guys, my husband and daughter would PULL the limb down and direct it down with their BODIES. I am one wigged out mama. LOL

(The tree down, PRAISES BE TO THE SWEET BABY JESUS THAT EVERYONE IS OK)

Sunday we went to church and then had lunch.  My friend, Kai, came over and took me somewhere special.  She took me to the memorial for the unborn at the local cemetery.  She brought flowers for her 7 losses and my 4 losses.  We placed the flowers there and cried together… burned our butts on the marble slab together… laughed together over events in our life, and talked. 

We went over the whys and how our brains work… then she said something very prophetic about her daughter. She has a 15 year old daughter (same age as Alex, and they go to the same school, FYI)… There must have been something really special about her daughter for her to stay on this earth when so many other children passed on to heaven before being born. And this is true. Kai’s daughter is amazing, funny, sensitive, wicked smart… There is a reason why she is here on this earth. She has purpose that we don’t quite know yet, but she is made to do great things. I came home with a sense of understanding of sorts. A new dawn arose in my soul.  My kids are here for a purpose, a purpose beyond my understanding.  There is a reason why they made it to this earth and are growing up to be great people.  They are amazing. And I am honored to be their mama. 

Mourning a Loss

First, I will preface this post with this---this is raw emotion, morphine induced, and hard to write--- but I have to release this to move on. Sorry for the graphic details- sorry if I cuss.

When we lose someone, regardless of how long we knew them it is hard. I have had several losses in my life... My dad, grandmother, friends, students...babies. No matter it is hard.

With this loss I am angry. Not at God, or anyone--- just how things have turned out in the past couple days.

Tuesday I woke up snuggling my husband, talking about the maternity clothes I purchased on EBay. We laughed and he rubbed my belly. I felt like the luckiest woman in the world. I have an amazing husband, great kids and a baby on the way. I had really started to show. My neighbor stopped me on Monday and asked me if I was pregnant and I said yes- glowing. We were adjusting to this idea of having a new baby. Getting excited as the time progresses. Almost 12 weeks, time flies.

Wednesday everything is going great, feeling good and I go to bed. I wake up at two in the morning and realize I forgot to take a medication... I take it and go to the restroom--- oh my God. Blood. I lay back down scared, wake my husband up and tell him whats going on and I cry. My gut is sick, I am scared, hopeless.

Thursday is a nightmare. I go to the OBGYN and tell him what happened. He gets out the Doppler and tries to find the baby's heartbeat--- some hope for a second and no heartbeat is found. I don't understand. We had a solid heartbeat at seven weeks. I JUST had blood work and everything was fine. Why? I cry- I can't stop. The doctor tells me that sometimes they can't pick up the heartbeat on the Doppler at 12 weeks--- HOPE--- so an ultrasound is scheduled in 15 minutes.

Get to the ultrasound... The tech shows us our baby's leg, foot, arm, hands--- perfect baby....then she says the words that will haunt me forever... I don't see the flicker that shows the baby's heart is beating. I break down. Why the fuck did you make a point to show me my perfect baby with NO heartbeat? Did you think it would be easier for me to cope? I hope she never has the same problem, I would not want someone to be as cruel to her as she was to us.

My baby died. My baby DIED. I only knew him (or her) in my belly for almost 12 weeks, but it was our baby. A baby I will never get to hold or cuddle. A baby that I will always love.

I had to make a decision to have the miscarriage happen naturally or have a D&C. I had a horrible miscarriage in 2007 where I ended up being rushed by ambulance to the ER and still had to have a D&C. I scheduled the D&C for the afternoon. I was sent immediately to the surgery center. Phillip was amazing. He told me he loved me and we would be ok. He reminded me of our amazing kids, and how lucky we are. He told me I did nothing wrong, nature was protecting our baby from something seriously wrong. He is truly a gift from God. Told me not to apologize for crying, or getting mad... He cried with me.

The surgery was supposed to be easy, but it wasn't. The medicine the gave me afterwards to stop the bleeding actually caused my arteries around my heart to contact, which sent me to the cardiac floor for the night. I am still here as I write, waiting to get the hell out.

I am better, but I am not emotionally fine yet. I am grieving. I will just randomly cry, especially when i think of all the what-ifs.

Though this horrible tragedy I have realized that I have an amazing family... My sisters and my mom all came to be with me and help... Alex is amazing, I cannot tell you how wonderful she is... She helped with the kids yesterday and came to see me last night. Kennith is so compassionate, he wants me home to snuggle. My friends have been there for me.

I know in this situation there is nothing that feels right to say, believe me.

What I carry with me as I go home...hope...faith... And I sing, knowing my baby is in his grandma great's arms....

Our God is an awesome God he reigns from Heaven above with wisdom power and love our God is an awesome God.

The song I would sing with my granny... A way of releasing my baby into her comforting arms, knowing that someday we will see each other again.

"HAPPY"- Dog Rescued Needs Home

Most of the time I come on here to write about my personal experiences, however today I want to write about the rescue of a sweet puppy we call “Happy”.

My sister, Sarah, and her boys were driving from Louisiana to Iowa.  The drive is 18 hours without stopping and without traffic (do you see this traffic they encountered in Baton Rouge? Crazy). 

Because the drive is so long, a halfway stop is necessary.

While driving on highway 55 in Mississippi (going 70 miles an hour plus--- mind you) my nephew spotted a puppy on the side of the road. He takes after my sister in every sense.  My sister was the child who would bring home wounded birds, puppies, cats, and yes a raccoon once to help them get better.  She has a compassion for animals and has always had the moral grounding to do the best thing for any animal or person in need.  It was getting dark and they passed the puppy on the road.  Determined, she kept driving until she could turn around and head back to the puppy. The stretch of highway 55 in Mississippi is rather dull. Not many exists and it is just a stretch of empty land. After she turned around she had to drive back and try to find the puppy again. Thank goodness, my nephew and my sister remembered the mile marker the puppy was near. After about 20 minutes of rerouting to find the puppy, they drove upon her on laying on the white line on the highway. She was sprawled out on the line and just crying (according to my nephew). When they looked at her, she had road rash marks on her belly, ticks, fleas, and a large wound on her side. Sarah knew at this point if she didn’t grab this puppy and get her some water, food, and help it would be the end of the road for this precious pup.

They loaded the puppy in the car, and at the next rest area they were able to get her water and some food.  Their trip was delayed and their halfway stop in Memphis was hours away.  When Sarah and the boys pulled into Memphis, they first stopped to get the puppy flea bath medication so the puppy could be bathed. In the morning, they took the puppy to the vet.

Upon examination, the vet said that the puppy most likely had been tossed from a car on the highway and if they didn’t stop to rescue it, it would have died by morning.  Sarah said it was the boys who encouraged her to stop… the vet called them HEROS. The vet treated the wounds, gave the puppy some dewormer and some antibiotics to make sure her wounds heal fast.  The vet gave Happy a clean bill of health!!

The puppy is a pure bred white Catahoula with two different colored eyes.  Most of the time, when the white Catahoulas are born, they are deaf and most breeders toss them aside or euthanize them because they cannot make a profit.  The breed is from Louisiana and not common in the north.  It is a mid-sized dog that will grow to be somewhere between 40 and 90 lbs.  “Happy” Is about 14 weeks old and she can hear just fine.

Since my sister and nephews have been hand feeding her and helping her mend her wounds, she is very friendly and loves to cuddle---- AND she is in need of a good home.  If you know of anyone who would want to adopt her or if you would like to meet her and see if she would fit in your family, please let me know. I want this puppy to have an amazing life. She was rescued for a reason.

My lesson learned: Compassion for others, including animals speaks so highly of a person. Having compassion for others outweighs any money they could offer. Sometimes, I think we as society get to “self-involved” to see the other things around us, like a puppy lying on the side of the road.  The next time I am out and about… I think I will wear some compassion. If someone is asking for money or food, I will give them something… I mean, what if I was on the side of the road in desperate need of help… I wonder, would there be anyone to stop and rescue me?  Would anyone turn around on the highway to get me help?

Favorite Recipe-- Slow Cooker Pot Roast

Slow Cooker Pot Roast! (tastes like prime rib)

1 roast (rump, shoulder, etc... I find that it doesn't matter)
1 package of dry italian dressing
1 cup of au jous
5 beef bullion cubes
2 + cups of water (fill crock pot 1/2 way up with water)

Cook in crock pot on low heat for at least 8 hrs. This is great to start in the morning and have for dinner. The roast should fall apart when you take it out!

I usually serve it with smasshed potatos and a veggie! Truly delicious!         

Reflections on Max

So, when I decided I had to get out of my first marriage due to abuse, I left without looking back. I had tried to stay with him for four years. The first abusive act happened when I was eight months pregnant with my son.  I thought, “If it was just me, and he wasn’t hurting my son, it could be ok.” But, looking back, it wasn’t ok.  My self-esteem started to dwindle to nothing, I felt as if I could die and it wouldn’t really matter.  He had alienated my family and my friends from me. The only people that were “allowed” to our house were the friends he wanted over. It was a very emotional, depressing time for me. So I saved up money in a “secret” account and waited for his next attack so I could leave without looking back.

The night that everything happened, he went to jail and Kennith and I went to my mom’s--- I had trouble sleeping. See, my ex would threaten to take Kennith from me, he threatened to expose any secret he knew about me… which used to keep me with him.  But, when you are abused and you know it is over, you don’t look back. I wouldn’t sleep; I would stay awake at night fearing his return for our son. Finally through counseling I came to realize that abusers make threats. That is how they control a situation.

I filed for a divorce right away, there was no way to rectify our relationship, since my ex didn’t really believe he was abusive (still doesn’t really think so to this day). And I started to move on.

I wanted to write about Max. I know I wrote about him briefly in my first writing on here, but the relationship I had with him really helped me transform into the woman I am today. I met Max when he was on a business trip.  He had been married before, and had a charm about him that captured me from the get go. We would sit there and laugh and talk about serious topics. He made me feel as if I could bring value to a relationship again. (lesson 1)

Max and I had an on and off again relationship. We had a long distance relationship which made it easier for both of us. He never wanted kids and didn’t think he was good with them, and here I had Kennith a 4 year old. I didn’t really want a full time relationship at the time, because I was working on healing and being a good mom… and it worked.  Max and I would travel.  My mom would watch Kennith for the weekend for me and I would meet Max in a random city. We would have a wonderful time seeing sights, eating great food, having wonderful conversations… It was a “safe” companionship. Max showed me what happy felt like. (lesson 2) Although, after a while he was not as happy as I with our companionship… He showed me what happy felt like.

Max helped me regain my inner beautiful. (lesson 3)  After being in a marriage for so long where I was just used to satisfy a need,  and I was told I wasn’t pretty often enough, hearing how beautiful I was from someone I appreciated really helped me not only own my inner and outer beauty but it made me feel beautiful.  There is something about a woman who feels beautiful.  They have more confidence, they are a bit coyer, and they walk talker. He helped me walk tall.

Max made me open myself up to possibilities, helped me become freer with who I was and am (lesson 4).  After we dated for a while, we stopped seeing each other.  He decided to try and pursue a relationship with his ex-wife.  They were still friends, and honestly, Max couldn’t decide what he wanted--- in reality, he wanted us both, but he couldn’t have us both.  When we stopped talking my heart ached. I was depressed and lonely… but I only was able to feel this way, because I opened myself up to possibilities… the possibilities of meeting someone who could love me and I could love back.

Max and I didn’t talk for months.  I decided that I wanted to casually date someone and met Mike on Match.com.  NOW, don’t even get me started about that whole thing, because Mike is a douchebag.  After a month of dating (and having the S-E-X once) I got pregnant. Mike and I didn’t get married, we didn’t even stay together because basically he was a 40 year old child who still lived (and lives) with his mother and doesn’t have to be responsible for anything and never will. WOW, true story but I guess I am really pissed at him and should blog about that someday.

Anyway, right after I found out I was pregnant, Max called me and wanted me back. I told him no. I pushed him away and eventually told him I was pregnant. He was upset and heartbroken because as much as he didn’t want children, the child in my belly could have been his.  

Max helped me understand true forgiveness (lesson 5). After my daughter was born, Max asked me if he could come and visit. I said yes. We started dating again shortly after that visit. Again, long distance… again he still doesn’t want children and likes his single-dom.

After a few months, Max offered me a deal.  A duplex in which we could share… he would live on one side, I would live on the other with the kids and we could share a door. I. WAS. PISSED. HURT. ANGRY. I was good enough for this man to sleep with and to eat dinner with, but not good enough to share a life with. (lesson 6)  I knew at that point, I wanted someone who wanted to share a life. I wanted to be married to someone who was my best friend, who wanted to be with me even in my worst days. Who wanted to share my kids and be a part of my life 100%. NOT to just be in my life when it was convenient for him.

Lesson 7 I learned on my own. DO NOT SETTLE FOR SOMETHING LESS THAN PERFECT FOR YOURSELF. I prayed on the perfect soul mate for me. I made a list and I prayed on it EVERY day.

Lessons 8-100 I have learned from my husband. If it weren’t for my adventures with Max, I wouldn’t have grown as a woman. I wouldn’t have the value I hold in myself today. I wouldn’t have met my husband. My husband is a man from God who is my fit in every way. To how our hands just fit perfectly together… how every night when I go to bed I fit perfectly in his arms. How our children mesh well together as a family unit… how our beliefs are the same. Phillip and I walk on the same moral ground. He would never betray me or I him. We have a friendship that has lasted for years and built our romantic relationship off of it. He is  my perfect match, my soul mate in every way.

So do I think of Max from time to time? Yes. I do. I wonder how he is and if he is happy.  And I thank him. For if he wouldn’t have brought up the ridiculous idea of a duplex, I would have settled for less than what I wanted out of life. I wouldn’t have reunited with my best friend, who is my husband--- I wouldn’t have my kids, and my happiness.  

A Dress Policy Needs to be Instituted *SMH*

Normally I don’t do a lot of complaining here about different things, but as I stated earlier, I am a bundle of pregnancy hormones lately.  So here it goes…

Swimming pools need to have a dress policy. I don’t mean to be RUDE or mean here, but really they do.

I took my kids (Serina, Alex, Kennith, Maddy) and my niece and nephew to the pool yesterday for Maddy’s 3^rd birthday.  My mom and Phillip also went. Normally everything is fine and dandy, but it appears that yesterday was the day for “flaunt your stuff if you got it… and even if you AIN’T got it.”

I am very humble and I know I don’t have a picture perfect body (not even in my dreams). I used to be 355 lbs, and now I am wrinkly. I do my best to cover up EVERTHING I can while at the pool, including my upper thighs. Oh kids, those thighs look as if they belong to a 90 year old. I do not even wear shorts because of how beautiful they are (note sarcasm).  I mean, I want to spend time with my kids but I don’t want the rest of the pool to run screaming as if it were a bad horror movie. (yes, the thighs are THAT bad.)

Anyway, as I digress, yesterday at the pool there were so many women who were wearing bikinis that hardly covered ANYTHING up. Breasts and butts hanging out… and I felt so uncomfortable that I wanted to cover my son’s eyes. When did our society lose dignity? I mean, don’t they have any honor or dignity left? It is ok to be proud of your body and love it, but do you have to show it to the world? We may not all feel the same way about your exposure. Just saying.

And, really? When did it become appropriate for a 10 year old girl to wear a string bikini to the pool?

Dress appropriate for your age and body structure. That is all I ask. I don’t want to explain to my son why the woman who is in the chair relaxing has a BREAST halfway out of her bathing suit (yes, this is the case of the future melanoma victim sitting next to us. Her nipple was showing.)  

Furthermore, they have dressing rooms in the ladies locker room for a reason. I don’t want to see a 26 year old’s naked lower parts, and really she was a larger woman who wore a bikini and bore WAY more than anyone wanted to see… I am happy she is proud of her full figure (you go girl), but there is appropriate swim attire and non-appropriate swim attire…  (AND, and her kid pooped in the pool, and she laughed… so moral scruples are not her fortay.)

In this instance, I take the advice of Marilyn Monroe. The sex symbol for all generations….

Marilyn Monroe --- “Your clothes should be tight enough to show you’re a woman but loose enough to show you’re a lady.”

So, this snarky post leads me to my next idea… pool blinders for young boys. I wonder if I can A) Make them and B) make them water resistant.